Hi baby,
Today was..okay. I realize that doesn’t sound that good, but right now I fully welcome the “okay” days. They are few and far between right now. Of course, I’m trying to figure out the “why” for it being an okay day. Was it okay because I woke up this morning and ran before anything? Was it good because I had a moment to myself to breathe? Was it both of those things combined, or was it just random? I should make some notes about today, things I did that may help. Maybe there’s a trend? I do know that a horrible day or days will come out of nowhere, but today was a small relief.
One thing about being a parent is sometimes you get to take a good look at yourself and see things you don’t want your kids to have and deal with later in life. I feel like a hypocrite because I’m always telling you guys that you shouldn’t care what other people think as long as you are happy. As far as that goes, you know I’m weird. You’ve told me I’m weird, annoying, embarrassing, but I’ve also made you laugh and smile with what I do. When I’m out in public with you guys, I’m extra aware that you’re always watching, which is why I’m more likely to put myself out there and embarrass myself. We did amazing at the freeze dance at Keiki Kingdom.
I hope you saw the other dance party that happened in our house today. Well more of a dance competition for Elijah. He competed against Jack, the Jackson 5, and someone they call “Loser”. Not to ruin the surprise, but Elijah was the performer for each of these dances. He got really serious and had a glitter wand and nerf gun that he danced with as props to songs from Rocket League and I’m Just Ken. If you didn’t see it, you really would have enjoyed it. The great thing is that Elijah said “Loser” won and he himself came in second place. I just kind of soaked in the entire moment. I probably wouldn’t have done that before. I may have sat through one dance and then I would have gone to make dinner. Instead I saw five different dances, all of which were the entire length of the songs, performed very seriously by your brother. I soaked up some of these times before I lost you, but I lot of the time I was worried about what I needed to do next and wasn’t fully present. Now during each of these times I make sure to make a mental note.
After the dance competition, I went downstairs to make dinner where I had my own solo dance party and karaoke session to late 90’s and early 2000’s songs. Something about singing Walk Away by Kelly Clarkson at the top of your lungs while forming hamburger patties is quite therapeutic. I actually just turned the song back on to finish your letter.
I hope tomorrow has some lightness to it, like today did. If not, I guess I will have to break out Ms. Clarkson and make your siblings join me in the dance party. I feel like I owe a little bit of today to you. Maybe you’ve seen how much I’m struggling and thought I deserved a break. Last night’s dream included your loss so you knew I needed this today. I love you so much, my baby and miss you more than anything in the world. Please continue to watch over us and I will continue to talk to you all the time. I love you so much. Goodnight and sweet dreams.