My baby,
My sleep has been horrible since we lost you. Well it was bad in the hospital for obvious reasons. When I tried sleeping in the bed with you, I was too worried with all the tubes everywhere and pulling something out. I fell asleep a few times at your bedside while holding your hand, but you can only sleep so well sitting down and leaning forward. Ellie isn’t waking us up as much to make sure we are breathing, but she still comes in from time to time. Your brothers have been having a lot more nightmares. When Lucas comes in to sleep in my room, he must be touching me at all times with some part of his body. He fell asleep the one night and I tried to put up a pillow barrier so he would stop kicking me, but it failed. It doesn’t help that the boys are up every morning between 5:30-6am telling me they no longer want to sleep. On the rare nights that none of your sibling wake me up, I either just keep randomly waking up or am waking up with nightmares. I’m physically, emotionally, and mentally just exhausted.
I woke up this morning extremely annoyed for no reason. I owned it though. I let everyone know that “sorry, I’m in a bad mood and I have no explanation and I don’t know what to do”. There’s a few things I need to start trying to at least help take things down a notch once in a while. Running is working, but I can’t randomly just go and run whenever I’m in a bad mood. I can’t even describe it as a “bad mood”. I don’t take it out on anyone, I’m just constantly pissed off at what’s happened. I’m angry and anxious that we still don’t even have an answer. I was wiping down the outside of the fridge today and got mad and upset that you had never seen that fridge. Ours broke before you passed, Island Palms brought us another one, left the broken one, and then never came back with the new fridge or to take the loaner and broken one. It worked out having two fridges after you passed though. We had so many people in the house and everyone was dropping off food, I was thankful for all the extra storage. So yeah, I honestly got mad that you never got to see the new fridge. That seems ridiculous, right? Especially since it’s not even a new fridge, they brought us a used one that’s also broken inside.
I was watching more videos of you today and just laughing. I would love to post that video you made with Aunt Sarah and I, but it’s not appropriate. All you did was run back and forth in snow boots and no pants. Although you were always the one causing your siblings to cry because you either smacked them while spinning around or jumped onto them instead of next to them, you were always helping, consoling, and trying to fix things for anyone and everyone.
We went to Target today and I saw some Minecraft costumes. I feel like that’s what you would have chosen this year. Steve? Is that the name of the guy? I know Alex is the girl, but I feel like you’d be Steve or a creeper. Your brothers picked up an ax and sword? You would have been right in the middle of the battle, probably taking it way too serious.
I miss you, baby. I cannot put into words how I even feel. I went into your room to talk to you today and just said “I can’t believe you’re gone”. I also just looked through the clothes in your closet and was remembering the different times you wore certain things. I got sad when I saw some of the winter clothes I had just bought for you so you’d have something once we spent our first winter in Pittsburgh. You never wore them.
I still want you included in everything. Whenever your siblings get something, I want an extra one for you. I bought Halloween goblets at the thrift shop the other day. It’s a skeleton hand holding the glass. There were four, but I only bought three. They were only seventy-five cents, but I kept telling myself it’s ridiculous to buy four. Filling three up and seeing one sitting there would just depress me, but here I am like four weeks later still mad that I didn’t get the other one.
I love and miss you more than anything. Please continue to watch over us, please visit, and please let me know that you already know how much I love you. You can be annoyed that I keep asking you. I can be annoying, I admit it. I just need to know that you know. I love you so much, baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.