My Isaiah Joseph,
Never did I think this would be one of the only ways that I feel like I could “connect” with you. I understand you’re always with me and literally part of me, but I feel extremely disconnected from you. People keep telling me you’re “always with me”, but it actually feels like the complete opposite.
I told Lucas today that you would be so proud of him. He’s carrying on the “big brother” duties and read a book to Elijah today. I told him how you read to both him and Elijah when they were younger. He had a huge smile on his face. Plus, they were reading a Pigeon book and you loved those. Apparently Lucas was talking you up to someone in his class one day when he was there for all of five days. He told me today that he told a kid how you could eat fourteen pizzas in a day. Obviously that’s wildly inaccurate, but I let it go. I wonder how that came up in the classroom.
Today was my last session with the therapist I’ve been seeing since we moved here. She knew everything. I had a session with her when we were in the hospital with you. I remember her asking me right away where I was when the appointment connected. Just so many chapters are closing at once, before I even figured out how to fix the previous thing. Maybe I shouldn’t use the word fix, maybe I should use “navigate through”. That seems a little more positive.
I want to try and live more like you. I want to be more “go with the flow” and willing to try new things. I know I’ve said it before, but I wish I had the self-confidence you had. Maybe that’s what I should start asking myself in situations, “what would Isaiah do?”. I just won’t ask those situations with things like paddle boarding or surfing. You were over paddle boarding after like four times and had no desire to try and surf. I’ve come to the conclusion I’m just going to have to go paddle boarding myself. I am going to keep trying to get your siblings to surf at one of the lessons Kids Hurt Too has every month. Why? Because I can do it to and why not? I’m almost positive I would be pretty bad and would be surprised if I could even manage to stand up on the board. You know how horrible I was all those times I tried your skateboard. I physically can’t push off with one foot and then stand on the board with two feet. It’s a talent people take for granted. I also did pretty poorly trying to ride Ellie’s hoverboard. I lack skills with balancing on things that are moving.
I hope you’ve finally gotten your drop-in accomplished up there. You were always so close, but too afraid to just trust yourself to try. I remember when you said you wanted a skateboard and I made sure I told you that I support your choice of hobbies, but can absolutely be no help to you. I tried telling you and showing you things I saw on YouTube videos, but I had no idea what I was talking about.
Ellie has an appointment in October with another cardiologist who specializes in arrhythmias and Elijah goes to the neurologist tomorrow. I check my email a thousand times a day to see if the autopsy has come through, but I think we still have a month or two. I just need an answer. I need to blame all this on something, I need something to make sense.
I love and miss you so much, baby. Lucas said he was planning on asking Santa for powers to bring you back to life. That’s it. He said Santa would give him the powers and we would all throw your ashes on the ground and you’d come back to life. You were always the one saying you were going to ask Santa for magic for Christmas, now your brothers are wanting even more from him. Don’t worry, I’ve told them countless times, including today, that Santa doesn’t have the ability to do that. Please continue to watch over us. I love you more than anything. Goodnight and sweet dreams, my Isaiah.