Hello my baby,
At this point, every day is hard. This morning I decided to plug in the external hard drive that I put all our pictures and videos on. I haven’t looked at that since Virginia? I have over 47,000 pictures on my phone currently, so that’s all I’ve been looking at. I was able to go back and see pictures I don’t think I’ve seen since I took them. It’s funny to see how your personality was the same at a year old as it was when you were eight. Looking at all the videos and pictures made me sad, but I also had a feeling of comfort getting to relive all these memories. By the way, I told Ellie that she’s definitely part of the reason you played so rough. When you guys were younger, Ellie just manhandled you and made you do whatever she wanted. She didn’t like hearing that, but I think it’s true.
When all the outside issues that keep coming up die down, I’m left sitting in the sadness of your loss. I just realized that. When I have no other things going on, that’s when I’m the saddest. If my mind is concerned with something else I need to deal with or figure out, that seems to be what my brain fixates on. My therapist pointed that out today as I sobbed on the appointment with her, but the last two appointments were spent being angry about other things. I don’t know how I’m supposed to figure out how to deal with everything else while I’m also dealing with the loss of you.
I’m tired of pretending I’m “okay”. I just want to lose it sometimes when people talk to me, because it’s just weird. Today we saw Lucas’ Pre-K teacher at the store. I hadn’t seen her since May of 2022. She had a beautiful little baby with her who looked like the happiest child ever. We just stood there and talked real quick about Lucas and homeschooling and where they are PCSing to next. It felt so fake that I’m just standing there talking about life as if it’s just another day. I want to just scream out that we lost you, but that would just be awkward. People already don’t know what to say when they find out, I don’t know what I’m supposed to say because I don’t want to make everyone depressed, it’s just a mess. So instead I pretend life is fine and it’s just another wonderful day. There really needs to be more open conversations about this kind of thing in life. Right now, I have no idea what I need other than to have you back. I do know that just going with the flow as if nothing has happened doesn’t help at all though.
Seeing you at about a year old with your big cheeks is my bright spot of the day. You were an amazing kid right from the beginning. I love and miss you so much, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.