Hi my baby,

Hi my baby,

It has been 122 days since I saw your eyes open, heard that voice, or watched you chase after your siblings. That’s crazy.

We went on a walk tonight to look at some of the Halloween decorations people have out. Lucas rode his scooter, Elijah rode his balance bike, and Ellie just walked. We stopped at both the lion park and the skate park. They finally fixed that ramp in the middle. I wish you could try it out. Ellie sat on top of the one ramp, said she was holding your spirit’s hand, and slid down. There weren’t a ton of decorations up yet, but there was a nice one right across the street from us. That house that always puts up all the big decorations by the skate park had theirs up. Remember last year they had a fog machine out? Lucas somehow remembers the exact house that he got a witch bouncy ball from, which I was pretty impressed by.

Lucas read ten chapters of his Dog Man book today. It’s one of the newer ones that you never got a chance to read. Once he told me today that he finished chapter ten I said, “you know who would be so proud of you?”. He replied right away with “Isaiah”.

I sent all the genetic testing results for all of you to the SUDC group Miss Mandy found. They’ll have their geneticist take a look at them and see if there’s any other tests we need to get done and if there’s any research opportunities our information can help with. They also sent us a package the other day with an entire informational book on what they do and then a different grief book for everyone in the family. I really liked the one kids’ book they sent because it was about a wolf/fox (I have no idea, because in the context of the story it doesn’t make sense) and honu. It was like a little nod to Hawaii. Maybe they’ll get more information out of the medical examiner than I did?

We’ve got Kids Hurt Too on Thursday. I’m so thankful for that program. Your siblings love it. Honestly, you would have definitely enjoyed it. I’m happy because at first they didn’t want to go, but just the other day Ellie asked me when the next one was because she wanted to go. We missed the last meeting because it was on Ellie’s birthday. I’m going to thank them at this meeting for everything. Thank you for creating a safe space for the kids, thank you for allowing them to have fun, and thank you for inviting our family in as if they’ve known us our entire lives. I kind of think it’s just a Hawaii thing and how everyone lives here. Aloha spirit all the time.

Elijah and I build with your legos yesterday. He wanted to make “yards”. He reminds me so much of you in the way his imagination works. He had a sprinkler, a giant mailbox thing, a water slide, and all the fun things. Because I am who I am, I just put a bunch of trees, flowers, and greenery all throughout mine. In the end, Elijah decided to connect ours so it’s the best of both worlds. You can play and do all the cool stuff on his side, but when you’re tired and need to relax you come to my side. While we were building, he asked me if it was making me sad to be building legos in your room. I told him I was sad and it made me think of you a lot. He said it made him sad too. I oddly sit in your room sometimes and look around in corners and under furniture, looking for something you wrote and then hid in your room. I know there’s nothing like that, but it’s always a wonder if I will find a piece of paper that says “I love you, mom”. If we are being truthful, I think if you had something like that and you wanted to hide it, you would have put it with the water filled latex glove in your drawer.

I love you more than anything, my baby. Please watch over us and maybe stop by and visit one of your siblings in their dreams. I feel like they would enjoy feeling a little closer to you. Please just try and check in with us every so often so we know you’re around. I love you so much, sweetie. Goodnight and sweet dreams.