Hi my sweetie,

I miss you. Did you know that? A song came on today and the lyrics were talking about losing someone. It said that they found a twenty dollar bill in with a bunch of letters. It talked about how they don’t think they could ever spend that money even if it was the last money they had. I felt that in my soul. Daddy asked me today if I was going to keep “your” bike forever. I said I probably would. You touched that. You rode that bike all the time. I was being a complete weirdo yesterday and smelling your clothes. Honestly, they don’t smell like anything. I just looked at the pile of clothes you had sitting mixed up with all your Nerf guns on the floor and cried. I had put those clean clothes there so you could put them away. I’m sure they had been sitting on the floor at least a week before everything happened.

I went with the kids today to a group called Kids Hurt Too Hawaii. It’s a group for kids who have lost a loved one or is even dealing with the separation of their parents. Nobody wanted to go, of course. I told them they had no choice though. I need to use every resource available to them. They loved it. They can’t wait to go back. They sat in a circle today and talked a little bit about the people they had lost, but then it was mostly playing with other kids. We go back on Thursday for a special group geared towards those kids who have lost a loved to death. They’ll break them up by age and the kids will just get a chance to talk and play with other kids. I hope this helps them. They have free surfing lessons for the kids next week, but nobody wants to do it. Honestly, you would have been the only one who might have done it, but you probably wouldn’t have wanted to either.

I got to sit with some moms who are also dealing with a loss. You are the only young child though. I got to hear a mom talk about her twenty something year old son and how it felt losing him. She felt exactly the same way I did, even though he was decades older than you. We talked about how as mothers, our one important job is to keep you safe. To protect you, but we couldn’t. It just feels like we failed as mothers because we couldn’t stop this one thing we had no control over.

A lot of people did random acts of kindness in memory of you yesterday. Someone from where Gma and Pap live even painted you a rock with little Lego people on it. It’s these things that cause me to lose it. I want everyone to know you. I feel like people going out of their way to do little things like that is because they knew you. They may have never met you, but they got a small glimpse into what an amazing human you were. They want to celebrate you too.

Losing you has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Each day is completely different. I’m never going to “get over it”. I will miss you every second of every day until we meet again. I know you were going to change the world. I don’t know how, but you were going to do something great. You changed my life so much and taught me so much as a mom. You taught me to let go. You taught me to be confident in letting you trust yourself. You taught me how incredibly determined someone can be. You also taught me how to parent a completely hard-headed child. You taught me that as a mother, I could make more room in my heart to really love someone. A lot of times, moms worry before their second child is born. How could they possibly love anyone else the way they currently love their first child. It’s not possible to love anyone more, so how can you love just as much when adding another person into the mix? I know, moms are really weird sometimes. You came and it was love at first sight.

Remember the time you didn’t get to go see the movie a few months ago? You had been giving some crazy attitude and things so you got to stay home with me. We played song quiz on Alexa. You kept getting so mad because you didn’t know any of the songs and said you were bad at it. I pointed out about fifty times that you weren’t even alive when any of the songs were made, but you didn’t care.

Daddy thinks he got his sign today. I will continue to wait impatiently. Just a little something so I know you’re okay. So I know that you’re aware how much I love you. I know you’re not mad at me. I do worry that you feel like I let you down. I also wish you would have had a final dinner that you liked. When you say, “what’s for dinner because it smells disgusting”..I know you’re not a fan. I wish we would have had pizza or Teddy’s.

Isaiah, I’m starting to just ramble because my emotions are getting away from me. I will continue to tell you every single day, several times a day, how much I love you. There’s forever a hole in me and my life that I will never be able to fix. This is my life, having to live the rest of it without you.