Hi baby,
Today started out okay, but then I went to clean your room. I know, you’re not even here and it’s a mess so now we know it’s everyone else making the mess. You had a ton of clothes on the floor of your closet, so I took them out, folded them, and put them on the shelf. Folding your clothes, knowing you’d never wear any of it again, was hard. Once I hit that point, it was all downhill from there. I picked up a bunch of legos and fluff from your floor. Bella still loves your “Slothy” and his fluff is everywhere.
In the afternoon I had therapy where she was asking my “symptoms” to apparently gauge where I was with the trauma. She asked if I go back to that moment on the beach. While I do go back to that moment, it’s not nearly as much as going back to the hospital in Maryland. That was my chance to figure something out. She then asked me how I felt about the situation. It seems crazy to ask someone that, right? I told her I was at peace with the seizure happening. I know I couldn’t stop that. I’m not at peace though with the fact that you went down in the water. Did the water make everything worse? Would it have been the same outcome regardless? That’s why I go back to Maryland. If something was discovered back then, we might not have even had a “situation” at all. I know it’s all things that need to be dealt with, but it all drained me today. It made me look back and regret even more. At the time though, nobody knew what was going on. Ellie and Elijah both said they waved and said hi to you and you didn’t say anything back. Ellie thought you were mad at her, just like I did. Elijah didn’t think anything of it. What if I would have went up to you to tell you to stop being moody? Would I have noticed something was going on? I couldn’t stop it, but could I stop what happened in the end? They tell you not to go back to the “what ifs”, but frankly it’s impossible. My entire life has been torn apart, how can I not go back?
I want you back. I want to be with you. I want the impossible. This horrible, longing feeling I have will never go away. I love you with all my heart and miss you more than anything.