My Isaiah Joseph,

My Isaiah Joseph,

We got the autopsy report today. I have wanted this for months, but also was scared to look at it. All I knew was that I didn’t want it to say “drowning”. I told myself I could handle anything else, but that. According to your autopsy report, it was drowning.

As your mother who was there with you that day and wanted to go to the beach, I fully take the weight of this onto me. I do understand we have no answer as to why you lost consciousness in the first place and they wouldn’t be able to tell if you had a seizure or a “heart event”, but the final thing I have of you says you drowned. I have forwarded the results to the SUDC people so their forensic person can call and explain everything to me. The autopsy report seemed to just say every part of you was unmarked and okay. So if it was drowning, wouldn’t there be all these obvious signs?

The “what ifs” that I had before are now a reality. I was the one that wanted to go to the beach. I was the one that made sure we got out of the house on time. I was the adult that was there with you. What if this wouldn’t have happened in the water? We will never know. What if I had been running late and everything happened at home? What if I would have seen you the second you lost consciousness? What if I would have physically went over and tried to talk to you right before it happened when I thought you were mad at me instead of just talking to you from a few feet away. Maybe I could have caught you. Maybe I could have seen that something was going on and gotten help before you even lost consciousness. As your mother, my sole job in life is to keep you safe and according to the autopsy report I absolutely failed you.

It doesn’t matter how many times I tell myself “you don’t know what caused him to go down”, that report has in writing “drowning”. So that is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

Also, I learned from the autopsy that they actually did take your heart for organ donation. My non-medical degree didn’t tell me that “tissue” also meant “heart valves” and to get them they took your entire heart. So that wasn’t even part of the autopsy. I’m fine with our decision to donate whatever they could take because I wanted you to help as many people as you possibly could. I still stand by the decision and know you would to.

I don’t know how to get out of this current hole. This helplessness and hopelessness is even stronger than when I first lost you. I held on to the constant hope that we would get an answer to what happened. I lost you, but I would find out it was something unavoidable thing. Instead, the idea that I had a hand in what happened to you is reinforced. My 4’10” son was in a flipping foot of water.

I’m not going to tell your siblings until they get older. I don’t want them afraid of the water.

I don’t know what else to say right now. I’m completely broken and I’m so sorry. You guys are my world and you didn’t deserve this.