My sweet boy,

My sweet boy,

I listened to the voicemail I have of you today. You were playing with your watch and accidentally called me. Looking at the date, it’s just six days before we lost you. It’s hard to even comprehend how I thought nothing of it. I definitely appreciated every single day with you I know I did. However, I don’t think I appreciated it in the way I would have had I known it was going to end so quickly. I appreciated every moment with you, but ignorantly thought I would have you for the rest of my life to appreciate you.

It’s odd to find the moments in the day where things hit harder. That voicemail, which you were just yelling down to daddy, it’s hard to listen to. I don’t know why. Maybe because it’s not a video you guys set up and made? It’s not something you knew was being recorded. It’s not something I thought I would cling to so dearly just days later. I love that it’s there and I have it, but rarely actually listen to it. It’s just too difficult.

Elijah came up into my room and was mouthing words while simultaneously acting like he was screaming and making no sound. It made me think of you. You would stand outside the glass door or window and pretend you’re screaming or talking and we can’t hear you. You always got such a kick out of doing that. You thought you were hilarious. It was like a horrible foreign film where they just played the English version over it while the voices don’t match. Even just typing this about you is making me smile.

My god, baby, I miss you so much. I’m mad at myself for never living like “today could be the last day”, but I can’t live like that. Instead of enjoying moments I would just catastrophize everything and make it really dark.

It seems like things outside my control just keep on coming. I’m trying my best for your siblings to stay on track and make the good choices for them, but the outside things make it harder. One person can only handle so much before they break. We have Kids Hurt Too tomorrow, so hopefully that’ll be a bright spot of my week.

I would give anything to trade places with you. I haven’t done anything people would call amazing in life, I’m not some successful business person that’s climbed the ladder, but all I needed was having you guys and getting to be your mom. You guys have taught me what true and unconditional love was and I have experienced enough life. You deserved more time. You had dreams and an entire future ahead of you. If I was ever given the opportunity, I would switch with you in a heartbeat.

I miss you. I just want to hug you like I did the day before you passed away. The way I held you and cradled your head as we stood by the couch and you cried about missing school now that it was over. Having you and now losing you has been a defining moment in my life. I need you to know how much I love you. How freaking incredibly proud of not only how smart you were, but because you were an incredibly kind and caring person. Please always know how much I love you. I’m sorry I cry every single day. The love I have for you just has nowhere to go so that’s how it comes out.

You and your siblings will always be everything that matters to me in my life. No matter what I do, no matter where I end up, it’ll be okay. My goal is to raise compassionate, kind, and tolerant little humans who add light to the world. I think I’ve succeeded in that aspect. I love you so much. Goodnight, my baby.