My baby,

My baby,

Hi, sweetie. We had Kids Hurt Too tonight. Your siblings love it now and they’re so excited to go. Everything they do for the kids is just so wonderful and I’m so thankful I found their organization.

I was looking through my books today and I found one I bought over a year ago? Maybe about a year ago? I don’t know. I bought it because I wanted to keep track of things about me for you guys in case something ever happened. See, I planned for me leaving your lives earlier, but not the other way around. There’s a thousand prompts in the journal for you to answer. I never answered one of them. I’m not surprised because I always have things I really want to do, life gets in the way, and they’re not important enough to make time for. However, I feel like even if I filled things out a year ago, the answers would be completely different now. Life events from the last year have completely changed the person I was.

I wish I had kept a journal throughout my life. Maybe if I took more time during life to write out what was going on and process things, I wouldn’t have struggled with some of the things I did. I can’t even say that it’s age that has helped me learn about myself because the me of last November was a ridiculously different than the me of last April. It’s unfortunate that to learn about myself and who I am only came from deceit and tragedy. Frankly, I still don’t know what’s going on in my life, but I feel much better equipped to deal with it.

It makes me wonder how you would have changed as a person as you got older. You guys are already more insightful and confident in yourselves than I ever was. I do think you still would have been the one who took the most risks when you got older. Maybe the risks would come in your hobbies where you would just decide to jump out of planes or go cliff diving. Perhaps you would take more risks to find what you really wanted to do in life. I know you would have been the fun uncle and would have gone on to be an amazing father had you chosen to have kids. You definitely would have ended up with a lot of pets. You’d probably still try and get a cat, even if you were allergic. Itchy red eyes would be a small price for you to pay in order to snuggle a cat. You would just tell everyone “I’m fine”.

Please come and visit soon, even if it’s just a sibling in their dreams. I’m feeling extremely far away from you and I just need a little sign that you’re still closer than I think. I love you more than anything, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.