My Isaiah Joseph,

My Isaiah Joseph,

Something happened today. Something small, something that could easily go unnoticed, and something that doesn’t seem like a big deal. It’s not a big deal, but it’s something.

I decided to be an adult and made the decision to just go to the Legacy of Life event. I wanted to make sure we went to an event that was there to celebrate you. They will have another Surf for the Soul, I will make sure we try and get to one of them. Your siblings got bears, painted butterfly ornaments for themselves and one for you to be displayed at the Honolulu lights, attempted to make a ribbon lei, and ate lunch. Ellie and I made the ribbon leis. Actually, I attempted to make one while she completed hers and talked crap about how I was struggling doing it. I brought mine home to finish.

The moment happened at the beginning of the event. Gabby, from Let Grace In, was the speaker when we got there. I’ve talked to her a lot since losing you and her organization was the one that put on the grief retreat. Gabby wanted us to get centered so we sat down quietly and started to remember our loved ones. All I could picture was your huge smile and you running around in chaos. I was silently sitting there, crying, and thinking about you. Then Gabby said, “remember the way they smelled” and without missing a beat your sister made a gross noise. I smiled and laughed out loud. Everyone was sitting in silence, with their eyes closed, and then Ellie indirectly said that you smelled. You did sometimes. I’m sorry. I love you so much, but it’s true. I thanked Ellie in that moment for kind of snapping me out of being sad and missing you and making me laugh and miss you. Like I said, it seems insignificant, but I noticed it happened.

Mrs. Holmes messaged me early this morning. I laughed when I read it. She was telling me all about the Easter egg hunt on post two years ago. Remember that train wreck? Elijah and Lucas’ age group went first and it was insane. Parents picked their kids up over the fence before the time even began and some of the parents even went in too. By the time Lucas and Elijah got in there, not a single egg was left and there were kids on the ground. The boys cried, but one boy who saw them after gave them each an egg. It was so sweet. After that chaos, daddy and I told you and Ellie that we didn’t want you doing it. Ellie was fine with it, but you said you wanted to do it. Daddy took you over and although it was still crazy, you managed to get a few eggs. Once you came back and showed us what you got, you gave each sibling an egg from your basket. Mrs. Holmes said her poor son got hit and lost a tooth during that hunt! I know you definitely would have shared your eggs with her kids. That was our first year here, we didn’t participate last year and you guys were more than okay with that decision.

Elijah is starting to request my “English accident”, so eventually if you force your kids to listen to something long enough they may start to enjoy it. However, he also asked me if moms are required to be weird because of the way I am. I will take it as a compliment. As much as I annoyed you, I feel like it was all love.

I miss you, but I missed you today and although I cried, I also smiled. You will always be my son, regardless of where you physically are. I love you so much, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.