Hi baby boy,

Hi baby boy,

We are back from the retreat. I cannot say enough good things about it. I cried thanking all the volunteers that worked with the kids. They genuinely cared about the kids. Some of them lost siblings like Ellie, Lucas, and Elijah when they were younger and did it because they wished there was a program like this to help them. Some just decided to go into a profession that helps grieving children. Elijah walked past one of the volunteers and breakfast this morning and practically came to a stop in front of her so she’d say “hi” to him. They actually talked to them. They didn’t just talk about grief and losing you, but they just talked about what they loved to do, interests, and life.

I’ve told you before, but I fully believe now that we were meant to be in Hawaii. Life was going to hand me some pretty horrible things, but it would give me what I needed to get through it. I started doing the work in Virginia, but really got into it once we moved to Hawaii. Perceptions changed. Beliefs changed. Something in my changed. I thanked the other parents today. I have never felt more out of place, but welcome somewhere than here. In most situations like this, with transplants that aren’t here for long, you would think they’d go back “home” after such a tragedy. Here I am though, with all these people who have so lovingly welcomed your siblings and I and treat us as if they’ve known us their entire lives. The love that just spills out of them is amazing. I know I make things more difficult for myself because I feel like “the outsider”. It’s an entirely different environment down here where everyone seems to know everyone, but even if they’ve never met them, they act like they know you. I was my awkward/quiet self randomly throughout the retreat, yet they would still approach me like we went to elementary school together. I didn’t know whether or not to hug everyone after I was leaving, because I didn’t know if that was weird. So instead of just doing it, I had an internal battle with myself and wanted to, but wouldn’t do it. I was walking out and two of them women stopped me and said I wasn’t allowed to leave without hugging them goodbye. They welcomed me into their ohana and I will be forever grateful for what I’ve gained from my time here.

I’m going to try my best to find my strength through all of this and spread your love around. As I’m typing this, I hear Matchbox 20’s Push playing from your room. Having you for the short time I did is worth every ounce of pain I feel every single day. You changed my life while you were here and will continue to change my life from the other side. I don’t want you to worry about us here. I am trying my best and will be with your siblings every step of the way.

I love you more than anything, baby. You are the most amazing son and I’m just so proud of everything you are. Goodnight and sweet dreams.