My baby boy,

My baby boy,

Today was a big day. Today was the first day your siblings have gone into the ocean since that day we lost you at Ko Olina. They’ve been to the beach a few times, but it’s always just sitting on the sand and staring at the ocean. Early this afternoon, we went down to the beach outside our room. At first, Ellie wasn’t even going to wear a bathing suit, but decided last minute that she would. Baby boy, they went in to the ocean and actually played and had fun. They were laughing and Lucas even did your signature move of rolling in the sand to completely cover himself before running back into the ocean. Ellie and I even made up a new game called “mom chair”. I don’t see how she enjoys it so much, but I’m sure you would too. It’s a game where you get to sit on me and with your size, it would have been the perfect game for you.

Also, your siblings got a massage today. The retreat had masseuses come to the lodge. I was a little hesitant because they would need to be still and quiet for a little, but they wanted to try. To my surprise, they were amazing and loved it. I also got the first massage of my life. Big day for the thirty-eight year old.

We had to write down a feeling that we had been really dealing with a lot lately. I wrote down my feeling, but had no intention of sharing it. It was with the entire group, including the facilitators that were working with your siblings, so I just wanted to keep it to myself. However, we were offered a prize if we shared our feeling. What do you think I did? I only shared because I wanted a prize. Pathetic. My feeling that I wrote down was “hopeless”. I just don’t see how my future continues on without you in it. Some of the people sat there and seemed to give me the look where they just feel bad for you, but wouldn’t dare say anything to you. I’m happy with my decision though, I like my prize.

It’s been a long day and last night was filled with no children sleeping. Elijah woke me up twice to watch him go to the bathroom, Lucas woke me up once for the same reason, and Ellie woke me up six times last night to either tell me she couldn’t sleep or to see if I was okay. The issue with Ellie is that she comes in and just stands over me staring. She doesn’t say anything. She just stands over me, staring, and waiting. It’s terrifying to wake up to.

I love you more than anything in the world, baby. Please watch over us. Goodnight and sweet dreams.