My baby boy,

My baby boy,

This picture was seven years ago. I feel like this accurately depicts the person you were. You had just turned two at the time and I took all three of you to the pumpkin patch in Missouri. I think it was one of my first outings with the three of you alone, that wasn’t grocery shopping. At one point I looked over and you’re just standing there like this. I honestly have no idea what you were doing. You weren’t even laughing. It was serious. You never cared how odd/random/dangerous/ridiculous things were, you just did what you wanted in the moment.

I realized today that your younger cousin has now been on Earth longer than you were. It’s just another reminder how life just keeps moving forward, even though mine seems to have stopped. I’m going to really struggle when Lucas gets past your age.

I’ve had a really off day. I came home from the commissary today, dropped the coffee creamer, it broke and spilled on the floor, and I cried. There’s a saying that says, “it’s no use crying over spilled milk”. Well, I did today and I don’t agree with what it’s telling me.

Isaiah, I just can’t be okay with you no longer being with us. Life isn’t supposed to work like this. I should have went before you. Then you and your siblings can tell ridiculous stories about me together. I shouldn’t have to swap stories with your siblings about their brother.

Lucas had a dream about you last night. He said that it was Christmas Eve and we were all crying because we missed you. Then when we woke up on Christmas, you were there, but as a baby. Somehow as a baby though, you asked Lucas if you could give him a hug. He told me he wished the dream came true because it made him really happy.

I found the “big head Minecraft” Lego figures that you made for your brothers today. You always worried about everyone else.

I’m sorry it’s short and I’m all over the place, baby boy. Today is an “off day” and I can’t shake it. I love more than anything, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.