My baby boy,

Hi, sweetie. I’m getting ready to put your brothers to bed. Elijah is currently planning on wearing jeans and a zip-up hoodie to bed. When I told him he can’t wear that, he asked if he could at least wear his jeans. I told him it wouldn’t be comfortable, but if he feels the need to wear his jeans to bed then he can wear his jeans. There are things as a parent that just aren’t worth battling over and wearing jeans to bed is one of them. I remember I tried to get you to wear cargo pants in kindergarten for the 100th day of school. You didn’t even know what they were because you only wore athletic pants. I never had you guys in jeans because I never wanted to sit around on the floor and run outside in jeans, so you wore them on certain occasions where you needed to be more “dressed up”. As an update, Elijah decided not to wear jeans.

Ellie had a rough night. She couldn’t fall asleep because she was too upset and missing you. Ellie actually came forward and told me that when you first passed away, she wanted to hurt herself. She actually told her one counselor at school today, too. I told her that I completely understand and I actually had some of the same thoughts. I told her that the pain and missing you is sometimes just too much and I just want to be with you and stop feeling the way I do. However, I have your siblings as my responsibility and I would never do anything because of them. I made sure to thank her for telling me how she felt and told her I want to make sure she keeps that open communication. I told her I understand her thoughts, but if she ever starts thinking seriously about her thoughts or makes plans that we need to do something else. I will make sure I give her therapist a heads up on Wednesday just to make sure everything is fully talked about.

We all miss you more than anything, sweetie. We love you so much and I’m just exhausted. My brain has about turned to mush and just doesn’t want to think anymore. I need you.