My baby boy,
Hi honey. It’s late tonight for me, 9:02pm. We had Kids Hurt Too tonight. Ellie was complaining before we got there, then happy she went once we were leaving. I really want someone to do the surf lessons once a month. I don’t think I can talk anyone into that though. Even bribing wouldn’t work.
I like going there. It’s sad, yes, but it’s also very lighthearted there. I can freely tell those people I think I’m losing my mind and they’ll be able to relate. We want to set-up a group to go to the Rage Room downtown to break things. I don’t want to break my things, but I also don’t want to buy perfectly good dishes and stuff at the thrift shop and break those. I’m trying to find a choice that’s more economical and not creating extra waste. I can’t figure it out. Maybe I can buy paintballs and just throw them at a canvas or something. There’s an idea. That’s what I talked about tonight though, losing my faith, losing my mind, and being ridiculously angry. The one woman completely understood and said she had felt the same. I felt seen!
Elijah had a tough day missing you. I could tell just by watching him this morning. He was just weighed down by a lot. When we went to the commissary, he was watching videos of you and just looking at my pictures. He started to cry. When Elijah starts to cry, he acts like something weird is happening and he doesn’t know what to do. He points out his “eyes are watering”. I asked him what he missed most about you and he said he misses playing video games with you. When we were leaving the commissary, we were talking about you and how we were feeling. He said he was mad. I told him that’s completely understandable and I’m mad too. I don’t think there is a “right way” to do this, but I’m hoping I’m somewhat on the right track. One of the dads there tonight said he was also lost and didn’t know how to talk with his kids through the everything. Do you push talking about it? Do you wait? When do you push?
Ellie was also crying when we got home from Kids Hurt Too. She said she felt bad about all the times you guys were supposed to go to bed, but you would go into her room and ask her to play. She said she always said “no”. I asked her, “didn’t you always go into his room because he asked for a hug? Didn’t you do that the night before?”. She did do it the night before. You pulled her down and she fell on you. When she was telling the story, there was a small smile. I swear, it’s those little moments that you don’t even notice at the time.
You are missed by everyone and we are thinking of you every second of every day. I know I’m waiting for this “huge sign” from you, but I know you’re somehow still with me. I love you more than anything, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.