My baby,
I’m ready to say screw this, I’m done dealing with it all. The past few days have just sucked. Nothing in particular, I just wish I had something else to do than “survive day by day”.
This sounds crazy, but I never wanted to come live in Hawaii. It was way too far away and just not an option in my opinion. So when daddy opened up his orders in February 2022 and we saw Hawaii, oh my goodness. I was terrified, but the teensiest bit excited. Logistically, getting here with the cars and especially the dogs, it was a nightmare. However, we got here and I immediately loved it here. I thought I had it all together, my life finally seemed to be going forward the way I always thought it would. I would go to the beach, look out into the ocean, and be so thankful for everything I had. Then November happened and my world was turned upside down. It’s okay though, because I would power through and come out the other side! Then April came and things really started to fall apart. It’s okay though, I had a plan, we were set, we had a home, it would all be okay. When I lost you my future crumbled. The future I had with you was gone forever. There would be no day when you got taller than me. There would be no seeing what that creative mind ended up deciding to do in life. Our family was forever broken. With all the other stuff that has happened to me, I could always look and see a brighter future. It would all be okay. I had my four beautiful children and we would just figure it out. I can’t see any bright future anymore. How can there possibly be such great things ahead when I’ve lost you forever? I no longer have my power through attitude of “if I just hang on, it’ll get better”. This will never get better. This will never change.
I’m mad, baby. Mad at the world. Mad at doctors who missed things. Mad at myself for anything and everything. I cannot direct the anger towards just one thing. We have Kids Hurt Too tomorrow, so I’m hoping to unload some of this with the other adults there.
Lucas and Ellie went to talk to the therapist at school today. She called me after to tell me that they talked about you. That’s huge! They haven’t talked much about you to other people because they don’t want to get upset or cry. However, Miss Ruby had them draw pictures of one of their favorite memories with you. Ellie drew a picture of the time you and her stayed at the hotel in Waikiki with daddy. You swam in the pool, swam in the ocean, and got food. It was a good day. Lucas drew a picture of you guys finding the elves. He drew them up on the fan and when they were in the marshmallows. You guys had me moving those things several times a day. That is not how Elf on the Shelf is supposed to work! I’m happy about it now though, because Lucas created some great memories with you. I’m thankful for the resources I have found here. I’m just so thankful for all the help and guidance through this new reality.
Lucas got chased by a kid at recess and he was throwing something at him. Of course, Lucas didn’t tell an adult. You would have been right beside him to protect him and stand up for him. Ellie says she has the situation handled, so hopefully she helps stand up for him. You know Lucas, he’s super sensitive and quiet. You were very sensitive, but you didn’t take crap from people. You always stood up for other kids. Maybe try and keep a watchful eye on him during recess of you can.
I love and miss you more than anything, my baby. I’m still hoping for an answer to this, even though I know an answer isn’t going to make this any better. Goodnight and sweet dreams, my Isaiah. I love you so much!