Hi handsome,

I’ve figured out today that I’ve been avoiding your room. I look in it every day. I stop, say good morning/goodnight, tell you I love you, and turn your light on at night. However, I haven’t just sat in there for a while. Elijah wanted to build with legos today, so that’s where we went. It wasn’t easy. It actually sucked. Then we went to the library and I was just crying as I was walking around looking for books. There was a story time going on and it just reminded me of all the times I took you there. I saw the I Spy books and thought of you and then I saw two of the boys you built with at the Block Party and played with at the pool. I’m sure they would remember you if they saw you. The mom recognized me and smiled.

I’ve realized that if someone asks me how I am, but they don’t know what’s going on, I can fake my way through it. I can also mention you randomly in conversation. However, when someone asks me “no, how are you?” and I know what they’re asking, I lose it. Your pediatrician called today and asked that after he gave me an update on all the wonderful information. Ellie’s genetic tests for her heart came back. Unlike for Elijah and Lucas, Ellie got tested for all of them. Elijah and Lucas only got tested for the two specific ones you had. Ellie actually has four different ones, the one you had and three others. All three are going to the cardiologist at the beginning of next month. Apparently Elijah also has the same epilepsy gene you had, but Lucas just has the heart gene. I don’t know, it just seems like things keep piling on. All the while, we still don’t have an answer on anything that happened with you. So what’s the next step? Do we start altering your siblings lives until we have answers? Do we just continue on as usual until we have answers? It’s just exhausting because we are getting all these “possible issues”, but not sure if they’re present or if they just carry the gene. Yet we lost you so quickly, without a warning, so do I essentially put them in a bubble until things get figured out? Your autopsy might not even show the cause. I don’t know, I’m about to just raise the white flag. Frankly, I’ve barely been holding on for a while now.

A mom who lost her son at five years old gave me a book to read. It’s written by a “medium” and it’s called Growing Up in Heaven. I used to love the Long Island Medium show and then one on Netflix where the guy scribbles in a notebook and gets messages from those who have passed on. I never really had anything invested in them so I just watched and believed it, didn’t believe it, didn’t need to think if I believed it or not? I was reading the first part of the book and honestly it made me feel good. It talked about all these readings where kids came down to tell their parents they go to school up in heaven and all this stuff. Well in my vulnerable state, I so want to just believe everything this guy is saying. Then I started googling him to see if he was a fraud and I should stop giving false hope into this book. What would it matter though? I wouldn’t know it was all fake till after my death. At that point, it doesn’t matter. Do I keep reading this book though and buy into the madness to make me feel better? I have too much personally invested in something like this now.

I want you to know that every single person in this house misses you every second of every day. Elijah was talking about something funny you said once before you played the video game upstairs. He then told me you told him he was the second funniest in the family. I asked who the funniest in the family was and was told it’s Ellie. I politely disagree. I think I’m hilarious. There are so many things that I randomly see where I just start to have memories flood my brain. I miss you more than I can ever express and wish this new reality was just an extended dream that’s going to end. I love you so much and wish you were sitting right here beside me. Goodnight baby, sweet dreams. I love you.