My baby,
My baby,
I miss you, handsome. I took the boys to Target today just to get out of the house. It was crazy there, but it’s to be expected when it’s Black Friday and you live on an island. There’s only so many stores here and the during the holiday season it’s just crazy. I think I’m going to head to the beach tomorrow by myself to just sit there and read for hours. Usually I just read and stare out at the ocean.
Tonight was your pick, so we watched a new holiday special with Is It Cake?. You loved watching that show and guessing which one was cake. I was always impressed by their cakes, but didn’t really enjoy sitting and watching full episodes. Now I can watch the entire episode and appreciate all of it. I wonder which cakes you would guess, I picture your reactions to different parts, I just feel a little closer to you.
During today’s run, I was listening to the Broad Ideas podcast. You never appreciated my podcast choices, but you really complained about Office Ladies. On the podcast they asked the guest if she could take back one thing in her life, what would it be. She said “nothing” and everything has taught her a lesson. While I agree and wouldn’t change any of the trajectory my life took, I have regrets with you. The problem is, I have regrets because I wonder if I could have changed the outcome. Since the autopsy came through and there was no real answer, what could I have changed about that? What should I have pushed with your health? I don’t even know. I regret going to the beach that morning. Maybe if you weren’t in the water, you’d still be here. I regret not going over to you when I thought you were mad at me, maybe I would have noticed your eyes were open, but you weren’t responsive. You weren’t angry, something else was going on. I have like 30,000 regrets with you. I should have allowed you to make no recipe pancakes more. I don’t feel like your loss can count for those “regrets” in life. There’s no lesson in your loss. I’ve learned that I have the strength to make it through so far. However, after talking to people in the same situation, they talked about not really having a choice. Especially since there’s three other kids, it just has to be done. I feel like every human is capable of handling extremely difficult situations, but you don’t realize it until you’re thrown into the situation.
I know I told you this before, but I feel like I’ve lost my direction. Last May I had a clear view on where my life was going and what needed to be done. I got focused and was ready to push forward. Then we lost you and my life came to a stop. I’ve shifted my focus on to certain things since your loss, but they don’t last. Today I started thinking about my other “goals”. Are they failing because I need to just focus on your loss in order to make it so I can actually achieve my goals later? Or are they failing for other reasons. Typically, I would think that I’m just failing at life because I can’t get certain things done or completed. Now I can at least sit back and look at the whole situation. It doesn’t mean I will listen to myself, but I can see it.
I’m hoping the photo books I made for your siblings come tomorrow. If they don’t come tomorrow, I think we will get them Monday. They have no idea I made them, but I’m hoping having the books can help them think happier memories of you.
I’ve been carefully watching the calendar and we are coming up on the six month mark in a few days. I wish you were here to help me through it. Yesterday in Moana 2 the grandma told Moana twice that “we’re still together, just in a different way”. I get that’s what we are doing, but the unfair part is Moana still got to talk to her grandma. I got jealous of a Disney movie, my goodness.
I love you more than anything, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.