Baby boy,

I think having your siblings around is what has forced me to face your loss head on. Even when I don’t want to do it, I have to for everyone else.

I had a rough day today. I’m just overwhelmed, overstimulated, and exhausted. Tonight before bed, Lucas was looking through my phone at pictures. He somehow found the ones of you in the hospital. He showed me the one of you and I and it just broke me. I don’t look at those pictures. I have them, but don’t need to see them.

Lucas was then asking about twenty different questions about what happened to you after they took you to the ER and why the tube down your throat didn’t make you choke. It should have triggered your gag reflex when they initially put it in, but it didn’t. Your gag reflex was gone in the very beginning, which means you were too. I didn’t tell him that information though, there’s some things he doesn’t need to know right now.

Elijah saw me crying and wanted to cheer me up so he found your fire flower stuffy that he took and let me snuggle with it. That actually made me cry even more. Here’s my five year old, trying to figure out how to make me “happy”, and he’s thoughtful enough to give me your stuffed animal to snuggle with.

Once Lucas saw those pictures, he asked for the date of the last day we saw you in the hospital. I knew exactly where this was going, he wanted to watch the video of your Honor Walk when they said “goodbye”.

Lucas did just that. I couldn’t see the video, but I could hear it. I heard when Mr. Fred laughed because he heard your song that we picked for you. I heard the crying, the beeping once they unhooked the bag so your siblings could put your leis on, and heard the music fade away at the end.

Lucas cried, he was a mess. Since we have left Hawaii, he mainly focuses on the fact that daddy isn’t here. He seemed to use that as his main distraction to having the think about missing you.

I got a call today from the lady who’s in charge of the children’s grief group that the CORE lady talked to me about. I got so overwhelmed, happy, and relieved talking to her.

The group does things throughout the entire year. She actually told me there is a zoo trip on Saturday and we are going to go. We visit the zoo, meet for lunch, and your siblings will get to meet and run around with other kids who have lost siblings. She also told me about the camp they have and it’s like for a minute or two, someone has lifted some of the weight off me.

I’m so thankful I have found all these resources that are available. I’m so grateful to the people that create and work these events just to help your sister and brothers through your loss. I don’t know what I would do without them.

I love you more than anything, baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.