Hi baby boy,

I know, it’s late for me. I actually didn’t fall asleep with Elijah while putting him and Lucas to bed. I feel like that’s a win.

I was being pulled in two different directions today. On one side, I feel like I need to start getting boxes and packing up. On the other side, I feel like I need to get out and enjoy the rest of this amazing island before I leave it. So as I sat there and fought with myself on what I should be doing, I sat at the dining room table and did nothing. Eventually, I started taking the Christmas decorations down and packed up some of my bedroom. I think this is the earliest I’ve ever taken the Christmas decorations down. Normally, the earliest is around January 2nd. I bought myself a Christmas tree when I was like twelve? I know, what a ridiculous thing for a pre-teen to buy. Gma and Pap let me put it up in the garage because I bought it after Christmas and some years it stayed up until the end of March. I would just sit in the garage sometimes and stare at it. It was much simpler times back then.

To also feel productive, I took Ellie and Elijah to Target to buy her pants. Since she hasn’t worn pants in almost three years, so she needs a lot before we move. Unfortunately, finding pants at thrift shops in Hawaii isn’t easy. It’s pretty much impossible. Knowing Ellie, she will wear the same three pairs of pants, but still.

Elijah just randomly mentions your name at night now. Tonight, he just started talking about how good you were at building legos. He said that you were so good that you didn’t even need directions, but he needed directions. I told him that I know you loved having Lego challenges with him, but he reminded me that he quit nearly every single time. He said you were just too good, but he does think that he beat you once at the demolition derby. He then got a little more quiet and told me that his brain just tells him things. He said that sometimes he just thinks you’re in your room. I understood. Sometimes it seems like it’s easier to let our mind drift off to you being somewhere else than the fact that you’re gone. Baby, your siblings are really struggling. I don’t even know what to say to them sometimes.

Miss Madison said she’s going to go hime with me on Tuesday morning. It’s a hike I haven’t done yet, but want to do before we leave. I did quite a few last April and May because I thought I was leaving. I did that ridge hike where I fell down and was luckily holding onto the rope on the hill and I did Diamond Head. You had told me you wanted to go there, but I just went myself. I’m sorry. There was a lot going on at that time and I just needed some time alone to try and work through a lot of stuff. Of course, I regretted it as soon as I lost you, but you didn’t seem to hold it against me when I got back.

I wish I could put my arms around you. I just want to kiss you and tell you how much I love you. Please check-in, we need it. I love you more than anything, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.