Hi my handsome boy,

Today has been weird. We’ve been living in this limbo for months not really having an idea what our timeline was looking like. Daddy went to family travel today and got the orders for us, your siblings and I will be in Pittsburgh on or before February 25th. I’ve been having internal battles with myself with what the right choice is for us. I originally wanted to stay through the school year so Ellie could finish up here. Her teacher is awesome and it’s great. However, being here seems to be getting harder for Ellie. There’s a ton of memories tied with everything and I think she’s struggling. Both of the boys saw the house we are going to rent and loved it, but tonight Lucas broke down for a solid hour about moving away from daddy.

I feel like you kind of understood what was happening last year. Ellie understands a lot more of it now, but your brothers are too young. Holding Lucas while he screams and cries makes me question myself. What is the “right” answer?

I also feel like I’m leaving you behind. Even if and circumstances were different, we would be leaving Hawaii this summer. If we hadn’t lost you, we would have been in Pittsburgh last June.

I’m struggling with moving on and making a new life, but not having you there for it. How can someone “start over” without one of their kids. Starting over makes it seem like I want to leave everything behind, but I don’t. I’m scared to leave this house and my memories of you here. I’m afraid to leave the beaches where I have so many memories of you playing in the ocean. It hurts to know that all the places I last “saw you” will be all the way across a continent and an ocean.

It’s a lot to take in right now. With orders in hand, the reality is no longer “when”, it’s here and now. I wouldn’t be upset if you gave me a sign that you approve of all this. I know you do, but I’m just scared right now. I love you so much, baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.