Happy Valentine’s Day, baby!

This picture was from last year when we celebrated the day together. You four have always been the Valentines that I could count on and you celebrated with me every single year.

Your siblings did their scavenger hunt this morning. It’s so amazing to see how it’s changed and evolved over the years. When we first started, it was just Ellie reading all of them, I had to help sometimes. You then started reading them and then this year Lucas was running around and reading the clues. I recorded you guys doing it the last few years, but I think last year took you guys about eight minutes to get to your treat bags. You carried your siblings last year with figuring out the clues, I do remember that. I didn’t record it this year, it just would have hurt more. I know I will regret not doing it later, but this is where I’m currently at.

I had to bring Ellie her lunch at school yesterday because we found out that morning that they changed what they were going to be serving. Unlike you, Ellie doesn’t want anything to do with the chicken potstickers. I was standing in the office and waiting for Ellie when a woman walked in and looked at me. I had never seen her, but I guess she recognized me from walking Ellie every morning. It was Miss Heidi. You never got to meet Miss Heidi, she wasn’t at Daniel K last year, but she’s amazing. I never got to personally meet her, but Ellie has been meeting with her every week at school and loves her time with her. Miss Heidi is actually the one who had Ellie make a box and put her favorite memories of you two in it.

I thanked Miss Heidi for everything she’s done and told her how much she has positively impacted our family. Baby, I don’t think I can even begin to tell you the amazing people we have found since losing you. I talked to my therapist yesterday about how I want to get all these certain people certain things before we leave, but I can’t figure out what would be “special” enough for such amazing humans that have positively changed my life and the space I’m in today. My therapist told me it’s not about the gift, but the intention. I need to stop focusing on “what” and just do something and have a card that explains it all. I’ve reached out to your nurses, but if I can’t see them before we leave I will drop them off at the hospital before we go to Pittsburgh.

My baby, this is the final stretch. We leave a week from tomorrow. I’m physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted and wrecked. I feel like I’m barely hanging on at this point, but I know you and your siblings will help me get there.

I love you more than anything, my sweet boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.