Hi my baby boy,

Today was rough. I say that a lot, don’t I? I feel as though I’m really starting to lose it. I am at this huge crossroads in my life and the life I knew and the future I thought I had had completely changed. Last April, I was ready to leave. I was ready to go and only saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Now I’m ready to go, but am terrified to leave at the same time.

The panic has been setting in and I’ve noticed it. The confusing part is that suddenly I’m starting to question things I was so sure about. Going into this complete unknown, after the loss of you, is terrifying. Is this what’s best for your siblings? How are they going to adapt? What’s life going to look like? Will I have regrets once I leave? The best part is, not one of these questions has an answer that I can get right now.

Before the movers came, I was able to hyper focus on things that needed packed, donated, or thrown away. Once the movers left with all our stuff, that huge stress is gone. What’s done is done and I can’t worry about how they packed things or if all and in what condition our belongings will arrive in Pennsylvania. I find myself sitting in the house and feeling the need to go out and see everything one more time before we leave, but also don’t want to do anything. I notice that I’m trying to disconnect from everything a lot more because I just don’t have the mental energy to keep doing this.

I reached out today, to a few people. I called, texted, and just talked to a few people about all these fears I have. I’m still worried about everything, but just venting it out to people helped. It’s kind of like I got all that anxious energy inside me and released it just by ranting to a few people about it. I read and listened to their words and it helped give me a little peace.

Baby boy, I don’t know how the rest of my life is going to look, but I hope you’ll be with me through the rest of this. I hope I’ve made you proud about how I’m handling things and I hope you check-in on me sometimes and just smile. I love you more than anything, sweetie. Goodnight and sweet dreams.