Hi my sweet boy,
Today I felt down. I couldn’t pinpoint what was going on, but it’s just the feeling of being so lonely with all this. My therapist encouraged me to reach out more, because I don’t like to. I don’t want to bring my sadness and tears to whoever I’m talking to. Instead, I feel like I should be able to just talk to them and hear about life, so I hold it in.
Everything started to go downhill when I took a bin of clothes out to try and find our winter clothes for the boys. They’ve lived in shorts and crocs for almost three years and I think each of them only has one hoodie hanging up in their closet.
The bin was full of 5T clothes for Elijah, but also had a lot of 4T clothes that all my kids have officially grown out of. I managed to sort through them and give Miss Anne some pants and dinosaur shirts that I wasn’t emotionally attached to. I knew the dinosaur shirts were Lucas’ because you still only wore transportation clothing at the time, he would only wear dinosaurs when he was younger. I’m just looking through these clothes and I can see you wearing them. I can see myself getting it out of the closet in Missouri for you to wear. The memories just flooded my brain. Those tangible pieces I have of you are precious.
Well Aunt Sarah called me today and at first I didn’t pick up. I was already crying and I just figured I would do what I always do now, which is maybe call her back in a few months, if at all. I texted her instead and told her I had a bad day and she asked why. I decided just to listen to the advice given and called her.
I just went off on a thousand little things and cried. Aunt Sarah just sat and listened. Every so often she validated how I felt, but I was just able to get so much off my chest.
After the conversation with Aunt Sarah and some time to think, I went into your room to tackle the garbage bag that has been on the back of your door since before I lost you. I wanted to go through it, take out what I wanted, and throw away the rest. Please keep in mind that I was the one who threw everything in that garbage bag. However, I did that while you were still alive and we were getting ready to move, so I didn’t know what things I might treasure now.
The only thing in that bag was actual garbage. There were some broken plastic Easter eggs, old Halloween candy you never ate, some floss, and not one single thing I wanted to keep. So after all that pressure I put on myself with having to “move with the garbage” and just staring at it every time I went in your room, there was nothing. I threw the whole bag out. I’m hoping you clapped for me when I did that or gave me a “finally, mom!”.
I love you, sweetie. Please give me some strength. Goodnight and sweet dreams.