My baby boy,

So last night around like 3:30am I woke up and “felt you” in the room. I can’t even explain it. From what I remembered, one of your brothers woke me up about twenty minutes prior to go to the bathroom. It’s like I fell back asleep for a little after and then woke up again because Bella doesn’t understand personal space and lays in the middle of the bed.

I talked out loud to you. I told you how much I loved you and missed you. Then I asked for some sort of sign if you were there, but I didn’t get one. I told you again that I loved you and asked you to visit your siblings, especially Ellie.

I woke up this morning and questioned every part of that experience. Was it a dream? Or did I really wake up and feel this way? I’ve been having very vivid dreams the last few weeks. Usually someone or something is trying to kill me and it makes absolutely no sense. When I was talking to you at 3am, I was staring at the blue and tan basket thing behind my TV. I was definitely in my bedroom and it looked the way it always looks. Usually my dreams have me in our house or a relative’s house, but it’s definitely not that place. “Our house” is actually like an indoor water park and it’s never questioned. I really think it was all real.

It would be typical for me to question it, though. I ask for signs/strength/anything, you give it to me, and I question everything. I’m sorry.

I went through your dresser today looking to see what pajamas you had that would fit Lucas. To my surprise, every pair of pajamas you had in your drawer were sizes seven to eight. I’m pretty sure you hadn’t worn those pajamas since we first moved to Hawaii. It’s like you realized our house never got cold anymore due to a lack of winter and a lack of the air conditioning constantly running and gave up on pajamas. I tried buying you that one pair for Halloween two years ago thinking maybe you just wanted new pajamas, but no. You didn’t wear them once. Instead, you just slept in underwear every night.

Pulling out all your pajamas was like another trip down memory lane. I remember there was a time where I swear I had to buy you new pajama pants every few weeks because they were suddenly way too short for you. I’m looking at your black Minecraft/Avenger pants you wore so much. You wore those until they were up to your lower calves.

I’m torn between loving seeing Lucas wearing your clothes and it upsetting me. Lucas wore your one neon green Puma one today and it made me smile, but cry at the same time.

I just want the pain and despair to stop, but I know it’s not going to. I love you more than anything, baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.