My Isaiah Joseph,

Hi baby boy. We finally went back to Ko Olina today. We haven’t been there since Mr. Fred and Miss Brittany brought Lucas and Emily to visit for Spring Break.

Last night, Ellie randomly asked if we could go to Ko Olina the next day. It was the last day of Winter Break and Ellie suddenly needed to go to the beach before she went back to school. I told her I would think about it, but wasn’t sure. I know how loved that beach is by you guys, but it’s a more difficult one to go to without you.

I woke up this morning and completely forgot about it until Ellie asked if we were going. At first I said, “we’ll see”, but then I thought more about it for a second and said we would go. Ko Olina has always been one of the beaches I needed to get to early in the morning because of the parking situation. We’ve gone later in the afternoon twice, but that was just a random stop we made. We didn’t rush out and leave early, but still managed to get a parking spot.

For being Ko Olina, there were a lot of waves. The first thing your siblings did was all go on their boogie boards and attempted to hold onto each other without falling. Remember that time we went when there were all those bubbles in the water from the storm? Well it was like that again today, but not as much as that one time. Lucas kept trying to touch them, but I wouldn’t let him because it was too deep where they were.

After the water, we all built “castles” that had to withstand the ocean’s waves. I lost every time, but I would like to point out that your siblings kept building their castles higher and higher up on the shore. There were quite a few waves that demolished mine, but didn’t even touch theirs. It’s okay, they had fun.

Before we left, we did our little “ceremony” with the hibiscus flowers from our bush outside our gate. I said I didn’t think it had any the other day, but I think I just didn’t see them because it was dark and my eyes suck.

While we were driving there, everyone had to make sure and ask a few times if we were going to the beach where everything happened. No matter how many times I assured them it wasn’t it, they didn’t believe me until they walked up the hill and saw Lagoon 4. We were sitting at the light across from Monkeypod and Elijah said, “isn’t this where we had to walk the day Isaiah died?”. It was. It was a traumatic experience, I guess it would be crazy for me to not think a lot of this “stuck” with your siblings. Elijah was only four, but has such a strong memory of what everything looked like that day.

I’m lost right now, baby. I feel like I’m missing my “purpose” in life. I feel like I should be doing all these things and have these plans all set, but I’m stuck.

I love you so much, sweetie. Goodnight, sweet dreams, and I miss you more than anything.