Isaiah Joseph,

Today started out like every other day. We managed to get Ellie and Lucas out and to school on time, Elijah and I played some board games, we went to the library, we finished reading our current Dog Man book, and I applied for two more jobs. It came time for Elijah to go to school, so we left and got him there.

Waiting outside of his school is where the day started to go downhill. Their “Read a thon” is starting and the theme goes along with the book “The Day The Crayons Quit”. To fit the theme, Pea Green/Esteban was standing outside the school to greet the kids. Those books were always a favorite in our house, maybe that was the trigger. I was standing there watching some random little boy, who was probably only about a year or two old. He was just hopping around the grass and that did me in.

I don’t know why, but my mind will so easily and quickly go back to your toddler days a lot. I’m not sure why, but it does.

Aunt Cait had sent me a book the other day that our Aunt Robbie told her about. Aunt Cait told me that she had started really getting into nature and I think that’s what pushed me towards the book. When I made my vision board back in Hawaii I put a lot of things involving nature on it. I took full advantage in Hawaii, but I feel like that priority has fallen since being back in Pennsylvania. I know the beauty is completely different than Hawaii, I just think I still miss Hawaii too much.

I think you got to meet Aunt Robbie about three times, but I think most of those times were when you were an infant. I’m sure you’ve spent a lot of time up there with Uncle Bob, but Aunt Robbie is familiar with loss. The book she told Aunt Cait about is called “The Light Between Us”. I’ve listened to seven chapters today and I really enjoy it.

I still struggle with the idea of “what’s next” and wish I could just have the same beliefs and thinking that I had before losing you. Gabby from Hawaii gives me hope. She speaks of seeing signs from her son all the time. I’m so thankful I met her when we lost you and I saw what amazing things can be created from such a tragic situation. My hope is that one day I will be your mom the way she is Grayson’s mom. I don’t know how to explain it to you, but I hope I have the connection to you that she has to her son.

I love you so much, Isaiah Joseph. There’s times where I wish I could just get an answer to “why”. Part of the book made me go back and wonder about those times I thought I needed to make sure I said goodnight once I got out of the boys’ room because in the back of my mind I thought “one day something will happen”. Was it a warning? I thought it with you, not Ellie. Is that something every parent randomly thinks and then dismisses, but I just go back to it because I did lose you? Why didn’t I demand to go back to the OR door with you for one last kiss? My mind just doesn’t stop.

I love you more than anything, baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.