Isaiah Joseph,

Daddy took your siblings to Grandpop and Abuela’s this afternoon. I am officially home by myself for the second stretch of time since having kids. My first stretch of time was when daddy took you guys there before we moved to Hawaii. However, I was stuck in an empty house those days because our household goods were already packed up and taken away.

I’ve got some mom guilt. Why should a mom be excited about any time to herself? More importantly, why should a mom who has lost a child look forward to any alone time? It doesn’t seem to make sense to me and just makes me feel like a bad parent. I know that’s not true, but that thought won’t leave me alone.

With my free time today, I caught up on the two episodes of Stranger Things that I needed to see, cleaned a lot, and took down most of the Christmas decorations inside. I feel like a real Scrooge, but I am ready for the holiday to be over and to get our house back to normal. I left the trees and the lights up that are both inside and outside of the house for now. Those I will leave up until at least New Years, but will definitely have them taken down and put away before daddy leaves to go back to Hawaii.

The house is eerily quiet and I find myself wondering if I’m going to hear a noise from you or a noise from some other entity that is going to scare me. I shouldn’t have said that and put it out into the universe, but I’m not used to this silence. Maybe tonight I will still put on Christmas music in Lucas and Elijah’s room so it’s like they’re in their room sleeping.

I hope to take some of this time and get caught up with the letters on your Facebook page and get your website somewhat situated, but make no promises. The website is still confusing to me and even after meeting with that woman at the library, I’m still overwhelmed.

I want to use this time to try and feel like I have my life somewhat together. I want to feel as though I’m not necessarily living in chaos and I can take care of the things I need to take care of. Maybe you could give me a little encouragement over the next few days, especially when I’m in the garage trying to make it functional.

I love you more than anything, baby boy. I’m so happy that Christmas is over and that makes me sad. I wonder if it’ll be like this from now on. Goodnight and sweet dreams.