Isaiah,

I look at your pictures as I pass by them in the house and they seem like so long ago. Today I was looking at the pictures I have on the fridge of the four of you and it seems like a lifetime ago.

I often ask myself why this had to happen and think back the old version of myself. I think back to the Danielle who stood on the beach, staring at the ocean, and wondered how I got so lucky to have what I have. At the time, I was oblivious to things that were going on and had no idea the loss that would hit me in the coming year.

I’m thankful for that version of me, though. That version of me looked around at everything I had and was thankful for it. I knew at the time how incredibly lucky I was to have the things I had. At the time you were still here, I recognized and appreciated what I was given.

I have regrets from losing you, but I also know that I could have told you a million times the hour before we lost you how much I loved you and it wouldn’t have been enough. I could have just sat and held you the entire week before and it wouldn’t have been enough. I could have been given forever with you and it still wouldn’t have been enough.

Lucas and Elijah were looking at photos of you on my phone this morning. Elijah had to order a case for his chrome book for this upcoming year and he chose red, because he “missed Isaiah”.

You are a part of our every day, sometimes spoken and sometimes not. I’ve been stopping by your urn, kissing it, and asking you for advice on how to handle your loss, I don’t know if you’ve heard me.

I love you more than anything, baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.