My Isaiah Joseph,

I just checked out my memories and exactly one year ago I went on the Diamond Head hike, alone. I asked you and Ellie the week prior if you’d be interested in going because I had to book a time, but you both said “no”. Then the day before you decided you wanted to go, but I told you we couldn’t because I didn’t get you a ticket. You were disappointed, but understood.

I should have just freaking taken you with me and begged the person at the booth to let you come with me. Kama’aina didn’t have to make reservations, so it wasn’t the fact that it was based on numbers. I’m sure they would have let me take you.

My anxiety at the time was “what if I drive the forty-five minutes and they say we can’t”. For whatever reason, that caused me more anxiety and made me more uncomfortable. I thought you’d have other chances. I didn’t think I’d have to look back at these missed opportunities with you.

I feel guilty you didn’t get to experience the hike. My heart aches wishing you had gone so I would have those memories to hold on to.i have this lump in my throat that just won’t go away. You deserved everything in the world, but this is just another thing you missed out on.

I started reading different books in August to try and take my mind into a different reality, just for a little bit. I haven’t been able to read as much since we moved and I’m on my own, but I’m still trying. As I was reading earlier, a quote from the book jumped out at me. It said, “You know how when someone dies, all anyone cares about is how? Somehow the moment that takes them out is more interesting than decades worth of life and accomplishments and living. I hated it”.

This hit home for me. I can’t blame people though, when you tell them you lost your son at eight years old, of course they want to know what happened. You were so young. People expect older people to pass, it’s the way of life. Having a child pass is just tragic.

Please watch over us. It was a rough day. I want to go outside and yell to the world to “f itself”, but that won’t solve anything. Instead, I will just stick to missing you more than anything and doing the best I can for your siblings. I love you more than anything, my sweet boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.