My Isaiah Joseph,

Aunt Cait asked me last week about going to Kennywood today, I wasn’t sure how I would feel this weekend. She asked again yesterday, but I still wasn’t sure. I was leaning more towards not going because I just wasn’t in the mood. Well I got a text this morning from Aunt Cait telling me they were leaving their house at 10:15am. I decided right then that we were going to go with them. I knew that if we didn’t go, I would want to do absolutely nothing today and it would be uneventful.

Well went to Kennywood and I’m so glad we did. Your siblings had a great time and even got to be at Kennywood with family. You only went to Kennywood twice, once as an infant and the second time when we went to see the Christmas lights about five years ago. It’s such a weird feeling to be doing things like this with family, knowing that’s not the only time that it’ll happen.

We were so used to coming back to visit for a week or two and it was squeeze as much into the days as we could. I always felt like we “needed” to go places and stay there for longer to make it worth it. We have a season pass to Kennywood now so we were able to go, spend a few hours, and easily leave knowing we have a lot more chances to come back.

Being at Kennywood was an uncomfortable and unfamiliar feeling. I was enjoying my time there and watching the smiles on your siblings’ faces. I was laughing so hard on the Phantom while sitting next to Ellie that my stomach hurt. All the while, I had this feeling of missing you and remembering the times you had at Kennywood. You were obsessed with Thomas the Tank when we went there and they just so happened had a Thomas area at the park at the time. You got so excited and loved it.

What do I do with these conflicting feelings? I can notice myself enjoying moments, but then think I shouldn’t enjoy these moments without you. I can’t have happiness again in my life without you, yet I need to try and find happy moments. The grief of losing you is so confusing.

A year ago today, we got blessed with meeting Kristin. Kristin was your nurse your first full day in the PICU. She came right in, talked to you, gave you a bath to get all the sand off you, and just treated you like the precious little boy you were.

The two previous nurses from the afternoon and night before didn’t talk to you. They’d talk to me, but not much. The nurse at night never once even turned you in the bed. This was my first time being in any sort of ICU so I had no idea what was supposed to be happening.

Kristin was this angel that would become an even bigger part of this journey over the next few days. I still haven’t figured out how to thank her for everything she did, or the other three nurses we loved. She showed up to her job each day and treated you like her own child. She talked to you, learned about you, and even joked with you. Not once did she hear your voice or see you open your eyes, but that didn’t matter to her.

A NICU nurse came to your celebration yesterday. I have no idea who she was before this, but she saw my post about you and wanted to come. As soon as she told me she was a NICU nurse, I went off to her about how amazing they are and how I don’t know how they can emotionally handle their jobs. They’re already on their feet for long shifts, but the emotional toll and what they see and go through is so intense. I thanked her so much for what she does and told her that we had four PICU nurses that changed our lives.

I love you more than anything in the world, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.