My baby boy,

So many things have changed for me since losing you. I have changed since losing you. I always knew that I wanted to help people and make a positive impact on the world, but I never knew how I would go about doing it. It didn’t need to be anything crazy, because I honestly got so much out of coaching at Cal. Watching the kids that worked their butts off, improve and get personal bests, was so rewarding. I bawled at our conference meet when the 4x400 relay won.

I want to start a non-profit. I don’t know for what exactly, but I want to do it in your name. I figured if I put it out into the universe and said it, it has a better chance of happening. I know it’s a process and it’ll take time, I’m willing to give it that time.

I talked to my therapist today about the conflicting feelings that I had at Kennywood yesterday. I was enjoying myself, but missed you at the same time. How can I possibly enjoy any part of life after losing you? She told me, as I always tell you guys, two things can exist together. I can make memories with your siblings and appreciate those times, while also wishing you were there and wondering what you’d be doing in whatever situation it is. So many different things can exist at once, it doesn’t need to be one or the other.

When I was discussing this with her, I went over how the other way would go. I could let your loss take over my life and just check-out of being a mom. I read an article about a man who had lost a sibling. His mother was unable to get to a place where she was present in his life. As a grown man, he understood why his mom did that, but had a lot to work through because of it. He said that he felt like he also lost his mom when he lost his sibling. Your sister and brothers don’t deserve that and I swear they are the reason I’ve worked so hard on navigating my grief.

I love you more than anything, my sweet boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.