My Isaiah Joseph,

I’m completely drained tonight and I don’t know why. I’m sure it’s just a combination of dealing with the grief during the holiday season, the weather, and the stresses of life right now. Nothing out of the ordinary is going on, this is just how things are now.

I read my letter to you from last year and it actually made me kind of shake my head at myself. Last year at this time I kept trying to figure out what “triggered” my grief in a desperate attempt to control it. I guess I have grown in ways, because now I just let myself be sad wherever I am. I don’t care if I cry in public, I let myself just have breakdowns at home, and I’ve learned to just “sit” in it.

It took a while and I don’t even know when everything shifted. It was a gradual shift that I didn’t even realize I made until now. My grief has not changed, but the way I deal with and process it has. Now I can just be sad and miss you instead of looking for a way to try and “fix” myself.

I haven’t watched any videos of you lately to hear your voice. I think right now it would just be more difficult with the holidays coming up. Maybe this weekend I will go back and watch the videos I have of you guys opening up gifts on past Christmases. One of my favorites is your reaction when you opened your Lego Mystery Cube.

Finding joy in life without you is difficult. When you try and find it, you automatically think about the fact that you’re not there as part of the experience and memory. There’s not a moment that goes by where I don’t wish you were here with us. You were such a beautiful light in this family.

I love you more than anything, my baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.