My Isaiah Joseph,
I’m in third grade today and it’s only a half day. However, I noticed some of the kids’ work right away that was all hung on the window and smiled. They all made banners focused around “Our Class is Family”. As soon as I saw these, I thought about the time you spent in Mrs. Holmes class and was so thankful for her and your time with her. She told your class you were a “family” and I wish I still had the little note she sent home with your bracelet. I only wear the bracelet on “special occasions” when I want to feel closer to you because I wore it non-stop the first months after losing you and it’s definitely more “worn”. I don’t want to risk it breaking, even though you never wore it yourself.
They played some fun games at the party today. It made me want to try and play these games with your siblings when daddy comes, but then the teams will be uneven. Without you here, we only have five people. I could play them with just your siblings, but I feel like that would hurt more if it were just me and them. I would be against a kid then instead of another adult and it would be glaringly obvious why that was happening.
I got a book in the mail today from the UPMC Sibling Bereavement Group. It’s a workbook for navigating through grief. I’ve read the first two chapters, but haven’t gotten to any of the activities yet. I wish I would have known about this book a little earlier in this journey.
The beginning of the book is just all about grief itself and all these different scientific aspects of it. Remember how I went through that period of not being able to comprehend what was going on? I knew you were gone, but I couldn’t understand how life would go on. I felt so lost and this book is telling me that with profound losses, your brain does this to help you survive. You’re in no state to process and deal with the finality of it, so that’s what happens. There were also times where I just felt like I was crazy. I still do, but I feel like I’m a little more control of the crazy. The first chapter also addressed that aspect. Maybe I wouldn’t have even been open to taking in this information at the time, but looking back now I know that it would have been helpful if I could process it.
It’s officially Winter Break and Christmas is only six days away. I haven’t bought your gift yet. I’m sorry, I’m not sure what Santa is going to bring you yet. Obviously it’ll be a Lego set, I just don’t know which one yet. I might wait for daddy to get here or see if I can order it online and just pick it up because it’ll be too hard to stand there in the aisle and look.
I wish I had one more anything with you. It wouldn’t even have to be a holiday or anything like that. It could just be one more time of seeing you smile at me while you walked away to school. That smile was everything. I love you more than anything, baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.