My Isaiah Joseph,

Merry Christmas Eve, baby. First of all, Lucas is here and wants you to know some things. “Merry Christmas and have a good Christmas. I miss you so much.” Lucas was crying about you earlier tonight while he was sitting at the table with his Team Bumpy Belly before we went to go look at lights. Lucas also hopes that you get a huge cheese pizza to help you celebrate. Maybe you can share a little with Apollo.

We gave away your candy from the elves today. We ended up just going to the mall and kind of hung around the play area for a while, stopped a few people randomly walking around, went to the food court to find a few, and then went into Game Stop since it’s one of your favorite stores and then Build a Bear.

I wasn’t as nervous as last year to go and do this. I felt a little more prepared having done it a few times already and I had Christmas cards with your name, Facebook page information, and website listed inside. This gave me a little extra peace knowing that some people who never knew you, would look you up and learn a little about you because they got candy from you today.

Most people are taken aback and I get it, it’s a lot to take in from a random stranger. Daddy kind of laughed and asked if I even introduced myself to people, I did not. I went up with my bag of candy and just said, “hi, sorry to bother you. I lost my eight year old a year and a half ago, but our elves still bring him treats each day with our kids. We wanted to come out and share his treats with you if you would like one”.

Sometimes I added a little part about “sorry if this is weird”, only to obviously make it more weird. Most everyone said “sorry”, while a few did not really have many words. My main goal was to spread your kindness today and to have my Isaiah Joseph touch a few more peoples’ lives. I think we were successful.

There wasn’t a whole lot going on with us today other than giving out the candy. Really missing you and your absence seemed to hit hardest after dinner when your siblings exchanged their gifts with each other. Every other year with all four of you sitting by the tree was running through my head.

Tonight when we drove around to look at lights, I could hear your little voice in Missouri when you got so excited over Christmas lights. One particular house in Missouri put a single string of lights on the handrail next to their stairs and you commented about what a great job they did.

As your siblings were getting ready for bed, I heard your voice telling them you guys needed to get to sleep. You were always so serious on Christmas Eve and weren’t going to fool around with trying to stay up late.

I wonder how different Christmas feels for your siblings now. Is the magic gone? Our first Christmas we ever spent at our own house was during Covid. I remember daddy and I making a comment to each other about how absolutely magical the whole thing felt. While saying goodnight to your siblings tonight, who are all sleeping in the same room, I didn’t feel the “magic”. Maybe that’s just on me, though.

What was once the thing I was looking forward to, Christmas morning, is now the thing I am dreading the most. Last year, Christmas morning hurt so much. Watching your siblings open up their gifts, seeing an entire pile of gifts missing, and then watching them all open a single gift for you that I know you’ll never get to play with is torture.

I want nothing more than for you to be here with us. I love you more than anything, my baby boy. Please come see us tomorrow and let us know you’re there. Goodnight and sweet dreams.