My baby boy,
Hi, sweetie. I don’t know why, but days seem to go by so much faster here. Maybe it’s because I lost five hours that I will never get back, or perhaps it’s that I was used to the slowed down island life. There’s a lot of habits, beliefs, and just amazing aspects of Hawaii that I want to have here in Pittsburgh.
I had another therapy appointment today with a new therapist and I think I may try and stick with her. She actually read through notes from my other therapists before the appointment and knew a background of everything that happened. I didn’t have to sit there and start from the beginning, listing everything. It was wonderful. She also is certified in EDMR, which my original therapist said I needed, but I couldn’t find anyone in Hawaii.
I got your brothers’ wall painted today. I just cut it down the middle and painted it green on Elijah’s side and the teal on Lucas’. I still felt bad they didn’t have their wall painted in Hawaii so I made sure I did their’s first. I may paint a wall in your room. Ellie has reminded me no less than a thousand times now that I can paint her room tomorrow.
Ellie goes for a school tour tomorrow and will have her first day on Monday. I was really trying to get your siblings on an Eastern time schedule, but it hasn’t worked. Ellie didn’t go to bed last night until 11:30pm. She’s on Team Luna, which I think is appropriate since you have your cousin, Luna, and Lucas is obsessed with space and the moon. She’s extremely excited so I’m keeping my worries to myself. I hope the other kids welcome her to the class.
I heard a new song today. It’s called When I Get There by Pink. The first time it came on, I wasn’t really paying attention to the words, but I listened enough to be interested. I played the song again and it made me think of you. Obviously, when she talks about finding the best seat at the bar, I envision you looking for the best seat at the pizza shop. During one part she says “when I think about you I think about forever”. I’m still conflicted with all that. I’d hope you’re looking down on me and you’re proud of the decisions I made. I hope you’re proud that Ellie’s learning to speak up. I hope you’re proud that Lucas has learned to read and somehow knows more about space than he did before and I hope you’re proud of Elijah for being so kindhearted and caring. I have the picture framed from when we went to the beach on Memorial Day and for whatever reason that one hurts the most to look at. Perhaps it’s because I’m kneeling so you look so much taller and older or maybe it’s the fact that you look so healthy and handsome, but just four days later you were gone. I need to know you’ll be waiting for me.
I love you so much, my baby boy. I wanted to let you know that when I just glanced up at Lucas while he was eating dinner, your face flashed in front of me. I don’t know if it was Lucas’ hair that really reminded me of you, but I love seeing you in your siblings. Goodnight and sweet dreams.