My baby boy,

I wish there was a thing in life where you could check it every so often and it tells you how you’re doing in life. It’s like a how you are living life credit score. It wouldn’t help control any of the craziness that would happen, but it would let you know how you’re handling things and coping with different situations.

There’s a sort of comfort in being back in the place that I grew up in. We’ve been off on our own doing our own thing for so long, it’s a shock running into people from my past. It’s not even just people who I have any sort of history with. I saw Aunt Cait’s childhood friend that I probably haven’t seen in thirty years, but it made me feel good inside. Just yesterday I saw Gma and Pap’s neighbor while picking Elijah up from Pre-K. He welcomed me back and told the boys they can play in his yard whenever they wanted.

I talked to the counselor at Lucas’ future school today. I told him everything that’s been going on and he was extremely nice. He also asked me if I was interested in grief or trauma therapy for your siblings because he could give me a few names. Yes, of course I will take those names. Lucas goes for a tour on Thursday. Tonight he asked, “why am I so excited for the tour if I hate school?”. I think it’ll be good for him.

I thought moving back here would cause me to lose a lot of the support that I had in Hawaii, but people are just showing up and helping with whatever they can. So far, the three schools have done everything I feared they wouldn’t. I was just so attached to our Hawaii schools this year that I didn’t want to let it go. Luckily, these schools are showing up in the same way that Daniel K did.

My main fear with this move was how your siblings would adjust. Ellie has made a lot of friends, Elijah loves school, and Lucas will finally have the opportunity to go to school and be in the correct grade.

I know you’re watching over us. I know I have you to thank for how this transition has gone. I also feel like you agree that this was the best decision for us.

Each day I’m torn between smiling because I can’t believe the crap that we have made it through or sobbing uncontrollably because we lost you, our future, and part of my heart. I love you more than anything, baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.