Hi baby,

Today was a bad day. This week and next week are spirit weeks at Daniel K and today was sports team day. I offered Ellie my Steeler jersey, but she didn’t want to wear it because it was too long. All my other Steeler shirts were in your closet because eight year old you and college me apparently wore the same size. I offered Ellie one of the shirts out of your room and she agreed. Looking through your clothes folded up in the closet hurt. All I could think of was that I was touching clothes that were on you at some point and I haven’t really seen these clothes in six and a half months.

That few minutes right there ruined the day for me. I don’t know if you heard me later on when I was talking to you and crying in your room. I just want this all to go away, but it won’t. I want a solution to something that can’t be solved. I just want to feel complete again with all four of my babies.

I took the boys around tonight to look at Christmas lights. Lucas rode his scooter while Elijah rode his balance bike. Ellie doesn’t seem to want to be involved with it anymore. If you were still here, I’m sure she would go. I know you’d definitely go with me. We walked past the one house with the cross on it that’s across from the skate park and it’s all lit up as always. They actually have a wooden tree out there that they made that says “Like the display? Leave a message”, and had sharpies to write on it. I chose red since it was your favorite color. I wrote them a little note telling them how much we always enjoy their house during the holidays and that they’re one of our favorites. I also added your name to the bottom of my note.

I had everything planned out just seven months ago. I had a new future, was moving forward, and was going to find my footing. Losing you has upended my life. I can’t see the future now because I don’t want to imagine it without you. I wish you could visit me and tell me that you’re still with me. I miss you and love you more than anything, baby.

Goodnight and sweet dreams.