Hi baby,

Last night was terrible. I just think it was everything from the day coming to a breaking point. I was so mad. I could physically feel my anger in my chest. It’s like someone had me pinned to the ground and I just couldn’t get a deep breath. I don’t exactly know what or who I was angry at. I’m so mad I lost you. I’m so mad I didn’t get a warning that you were going to get taken from me. I’m so mad that the second you went down, that was it. There wasn’t a small time when you came back around and I could say “goodbye”. In a matter of seconds, you were just gone.

I randomly just yelled in my bed for a little bit, but still watched it enough to not wake your brothers since their room is right next to mine. I couldn’t calm my mind down. I couldn’t calm down the manic thoughts in my head that would just switch from old memories of you, to the day on the beach, to my future without you. Eventually I got to bed around 1am, but woke up with the same feelings looming over me.

Yesterday, your brothers asked me what we were going to do with your gifts from Santa. I just froze for a second, because I didn’t know what to say. In my mind, I thought they would think that “Santa” knows we lost you so there wouldn’t be all these gifts under the tree. I didn’t want to say you weren’t going to get gifts because that just hurts way too much for those words to come out of my mouth. Instead, I asked the boys what they thought we would do with your Christmas toys. Elijah said that we would just build your Lego sets together. Maybe Santa will get you a gift or two. Maybe he will get a Lego set the whole family can put together and then maybe a gift we can donate to the hospital. I’ve pushed it all out of my mind, but I need to come up with some kind of plan. Your stocking is up, but it’s going to hurt so much writing your name on a tag knowing you won’t be there in the morning to open it.

I’m just not in a good headspace right now. The magic of Christmas is gone and I worry it’ll never be what it was.

I’m sorry I’m so angry. I’m sorry I spend so much time crying. I’m sorry that I’ve thought about if you were an only child and I didn’t have three other humans relying on me, I probably wouldn’t have been able to survive this. I’m getting more and more angry just lying here and writing this letter to you.

Life isn’t always fair and I’m sorry you got cheated out of so much time. I hope that the time you did get to spend on Earth was “enough”. I hope we made the most of the few years we had.

I love you more than anything, my baby. I will try not to be as mad tomorrow. Goodnight and sweet dreams.