My baby boy,

I don’t have much to say today. There’s too much on my mind without having heard from your siblings again. I know they’re growing and this is a huge step for them, but I miss just hearing about what they did during the day. I miss Lucas waking me up at 6am and pretending he didn’t just bust into the room all noisy. I miss Ellie’s constant complaints about everything the boys and I do. I miss her trying to stay up as late as possible by coming in ten times to ask or tell me the most random things.

I read my letter to you again from last year. I’m glad I actually documented all of it. I have a lot of memories in those letters and different things about you. I was so worried about “forgetting” you, yet it’s all saved in the letters.

Daddy is coming to visit next week and I’m hoping I can take some of that time that he’s here to get out and find a new place to get my peace. I don’t have a beach or any hikes with those gorgeous Hawaiian Island views any more, so I need to find somewhere over here. Maybe I will go down to Mingo Creek and see what’s around there.

I can’t wait till Ellie and Lucas are back tomorrow. After losing a child, kids not being here for periods of time hits harder. I don’t know why. Maybe it doesn’t and it’s just because this is the first time or maybe it’s because I didn’t think there was any way Lucas was going to make it the entire time. I hope they’ve made some friends. I hope they’ve been able to address some things about their grief with you that they haven’t been able to talk with me about.

You are such an amazing son and I am so blessed to have been your mother. I love you more than anything in the world, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.