My sweet boy,

I had said I wasn’t going to go back and reread your letters that came up each day, I thought it would hurt too much. I’ve read the first three days without you so far and I’m surprised. I didn’t want to “go back to that time”, but I’m the exact same person that wrote those letters a year ago. I guess I expected it to seem like a different person, is that weird? Maybe I will figure out a way to explain it better later. It’s just I know how much work I’ve done, but it’s like I haven’t changed. Can you really change how you feel and are after losing a child, though?

I didn’t hear from Ellie and Lucas again. At this point, I really miss them and want to hear from them. However, I know sometimes it’s best if I let them do this one thing on their own so they can show themselves how strong they are. I’m getting them a little “gift” to give them when we pick them up on Friday. Lucas started playing this random game called Geometry Dash on his Chromebook in school and somehow they have stuffed animals of them online, so that’s what he’s getting. I’m looking at the plethora of Cinnamoroll things for Ellie. I just wanted to surprise them with a little something.

Yesterday they did a ropes course, played in the pool, had ice cream, played grief Jenga with their feelings from your loss, and then got to go look at the stars and space at night (that was probably Lucas’ favorite part).

The camp sent home an at home craft for Elijah and I to complete. Lucas and Ellie will do the same one at camp and we can discuss them when they come home. You’re supposed to make a mandala, which made me smile because they made one on the beach during the grief retreat in Hawaii. To be honest, I don’t get how this craft is a mandala, but I’m excited. We are supposed to draw a line on there first that represents either you or grief. Lucky for me, both those lines can look exactly the same. Just like you, my grief is all over the place all the time. That single line is going to include so many twists and turns because that’s what you and the grief represent. Perhaps I will make eight different twists since you were eight years old.

We are going to a movie in the park on Friday night. They’re showing Moana 2 and I already got all the snacks ready for your siblings. I think I am going to buy some glow necklaces and hand them out with a little card to your website. I will bring a few of the little Lego sets, but I don’t want to give those all away at once.

You guys all surprise me each and every day. You are all such amazing kids and I can’t wait until your brother and sister are back at home, too. It’s true that the house got extremely quiet after we lost you, so not having Ellie and Lucas here makes it too quiet. I love you more than anything in the world, my baby. Goodnight and sweet dreams.