My baby boy,

You should know that I successfully annoyed your siblings today. You would have been annoyed, too. I had borrowed A Goofy Movie from the library so that’s what movie they just finished watching in the car. You guys had seen that movie at least once before and liked it, plus it was one that I didn’t mind having to listen to when I drove.

I’m not sure if you remember, but there are two songs in that movie from the Power Line “singer” of the movie and both are equally amazing. I turned up the volume, blasted the music, sang along, and danced as I drove.

They didn’t mind the first time for each song, but were annoyed by the second time. Once I got to the third time of each song, they were blaming each other for whose fault it was that I was listening to that song again. Ellie and Lucas were blaming Elijah because he took the DVD out so I just looked up the soundtrack on my phone. Since Ellie and Lucas were blaming Elijah, I purposely listened one more time because of them. Let me tell you, mother of the year over here!

I love being weird, ridiculous, and annoying with you guys. A lot of the time, nobody even bats an eye. It’s like, “of course this is how mom is acting, what’s new?”. I was trying to figure out when you would have started complaining. Maybe you just would have enjoyed them. I will not apologize, they are catchy and I decided to actually listen to them while I finish your letter.

Elijah is having a hard time and missing you. The other night he was crying and kept saying that he wished it was him that passed away and not you. I told him, “you know that if it would have been you that Isaiah would have been saying the same thing that he wished it was him”. After I said that, Elijah then came to the realization about how everyone would be sad about losing him. Once he figured this out, he decided he just wants to go back and “fix everything” for you.

Tonight as he was going to bed, Elijah was worried that he’s going to forget about you and complained that he hasn’t had any dreams of you. Maybe I need to find a different way to support him and his grief. Maybe what I’m choosing to do and how I’m doing it isn’t enough for him or just isn’t what he needs. I have said that I want to go through my videos and put all the videos with you in them in one place so they can have access whenever they want them. I didn’t want them to have to go searching through my phone just to see some. I want to make it easier and more accessible.

Elijah feels a lot and is constantly just staring out into the world and when you ask him if he’s okay the response is, “yeah, I just miss Isaiah”. Perhaps you could pay him a visit soon?

I love you more than anything, my baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.