My handsome boy,

I was just staring at your second grade picture and those beautiful green eyes. I wonder what you would say to me if you could have just a few minutes.

Would you let me know you’re “okay”? You’d tell me how you’ve been with us through everything including big things like the move to Pennsylvania and birthday celebrations to the small things like movie nights and when I’m talking to you in your bedroom. You would reassure me that although you’re not physically down here with me that you’re still always with me.

Would you ask me to give anyone any messages? Would you want me to tell Carson you’re so thankful he was your best friend? Would you want me to tell Mrs. Holmes that you wished every teacher was as amazing as her? Would you have any messages for the people that have come into our lives that you never got to meet? Perhaps some of your nurses from the PICU or even the people who’ve been working with your siblings and their grief through the various organizations?

Would you have any advice for me about how I’m handling your loss? Would you ask me to stop crying every single day, even though you know that’s just something that I do? Would you have any ideas for me on how to help your siblings to continue to navigate everything? Would you have more ideas of how you want us to celebrate you?

I wouldn’t even mind if you just sat across from me with that smile of yours and mouthed “I love you”.

This world without you will never be the same. I love you more than anything, baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.