Baby boy,
Happy Valentine’s Day Eve! You can tell by the time that it’s a late night for me. Your brothers had issues falling asleep and staying asleep and then I had to make all the clues for the Valentine’s Day scavenger hunt and hide them around the house. I don’t know how this became a scavenger hunt, but it did. I’m not sure if you are part of the reason it became this, or what. You loved having all things hidden, including your birthday gifts, so who knows. I do like how things I unknowingly started became the traditions you guys were the most excited for. The ones I didn’t try and make a “thing” became core memories for you guys.
Ellie randomly came to me yesterday and said that she wants to completely redo her room. She’s never actually gotten to pick much of a theme for her room and most of our bedroom decor has been a hodge podge of random things we found at the thrift shop.
Today I ordered the things she wanted for her new and more “grown up” room and her and I spent hours in there cleaning and rearranging all of the furniture. While I was going through all of her stuff, I opened up a drawer and found your math book from second grade. As I looked further into the drawer I found your math journal, two of your socks, some of your little stuffed animals, a rock you had in your room, a drawing you made, and even a pair of your underwear. I had no idea that Ellie had any of this stuff in her room, she never said anything.
When I started to ask her about the things, she kind of brushed them off and didn’t want to make anything of it. Once I found two mismatched socks of yours and a pair of your underwear, I knew Ellie intentionally just grabbed things of yours at one point to hold on to.
She was very embarrassed that she had your underwear and said she didn’t know why. I told her she didn’t need a reason, I kept the underwear that you wore when you were one and two years old. If you were still here with us, I would have gotten rid of those underwear when I was going through the boys’ old clothes, but since you’re gone the underwear stay.
I don’t know how this came about with Ellie, but judging by the randomness of the objects that she collected I feel as though she just grabbed things in a hurry. It’s as though she felt like she wanted whatever she could have of yours, grabbed what she could, and just stashed it in her room. It makes me think of how I panicked when I knew they were about to wheel you to the OR and I hurried up and cut another chunk of your hair off. You try and grab on to whatever you can of the person you’ve lost.
We got boxes today from the Children’s Hospital group for bereaved siblings. They had a book, hot chocolate, a few snacks, a bookmark craft, and a weighted little monster stuffed animal. These boxes were all sent just for Valentine’s Day. It also came with some activities to do regarding feelings and grief. I may sit down with your siblings tomorrow and try and at least do one page with them. I don’t know how much they’ll openly cooperate, but it’s worth a try. I hope the people who run this program realize how amazing the work they do is.
I love you more than anything, baby boy. I put a clue under your urn and your bag is hidden with everyone else’s. Please keep an eye on us. Goodnight and sweet dreams.