Isaiah Joseph,

Last night while I was putting your brothers to bed, a thought entered my mind and I couldn’t shut it off. While I was lying in Lucas’ bed with him, I randomly recalled what he told the lady at Sarris the day before, “the last time I saw Isaiah alive he was crawling on the shore”. For whatever reason, this thought popped into my head and was on an endless loop that I couldn’t stop.

The last time I saw you up, you were just sitting on the shore. If you were crawling around, did you know something was going on? Were you aware something was wrong? Did you want to get someone’s attention?

I tried to “ground” myself and be mindful during this flashback loop, but it wasn’t helping. I was focusing on how the shadows looked on the ceiling from the fan, tried to keep my mind on feeling the stitches in your crocheted blanket I had over me, but nothing was working.

I brought that up tonight at the Caring Place and other people were talking about how they get stuck in their loops, too. Another lady said she was glad we said something about that because she was getting stuck in those loops and actually thought she was crazy.

Remember how I told you Aunt Sarah’s son loves Cars now? I have been looking up things on Marketplace for Gabriel’s birthday because that’s where a lot of the Cars stuff is now. I thought of you as soon as I saw Frank the combine harvester. I think it was your fourth birthday and all you wanted was a combine harvester. We managed to find one and Aunt Michelle got you it for your birthday. I remember telling her that’s what you wanted and she laughed and was so confused.

I love you so much, baby boy. I wish you were here to tell me it’s “okay” and just give me your big hugs. Goodnight and sweet dreams.