Isaiah,

I’m starting to really forget what “happy” feels like. I will never feel the type of happy that I was before losing you. As time goes on, life feeling less heavy seems like something I have to focus on to try and remember what it felt like.

The other day, while I was at work, there was a fleeting moment of “contempt”. I was doing something for the kindergarten teachers, had done an Easter egg hunt in the morning, and thought about how far life has come in this last year. For about a minute, I felt like things were “okay” and that my current life was at a decent place given the circumstances. That “feel better” moment didn’t last the whole day, though. I went to first grade the second half of the day and questioned my sanity, then came home and just missed you.

I wish your siblings would have had a better childhood, not filled with so much trauma. Their innocence got taken away way too early.

H&R Block called me again today to let me know that my suggestion has been passed on to the development team for possible future changes in the way things happen on the site when filing your taxes. Just like every other time, I felt the need to explain why I know that it seems like such a small thing, but it’s actually very painful. I don’t know why I feel like I have to explain myself so much. In my mind, people would think, “it’s not that hard, just delete the information, a few quick clicks”, but it’s so much more. I wonder if there was anyone before me that had the same experience I had.

I tried the website again and although this platform is easier, I still am completely lost. I did manage to change the color theme to include red, though. I need to include your favorite color, of course.

I love you more than anything in the world, baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.