My sweet boy,

It’s been an emotional day for your brothers, there’s just a lot going on with them. After we dropped Lucas off at school this morning, Elijah randomly asked me on our way to the store if I was “going to be okay” when everyone grows up and moves out. He worries that since Bella won’t be around that long and it’s just me, something will happen. I don’t know why that was in his head, but I made sure he knew that even when you guys all move away, you’re still stuck with me.

Lucas has been upset throughout the entire day over different things. He woke up upset because I didn’t wake him up last night when daddy was finally able to call, he thought I left him at school today because the office told his teacher I was in a different room and I was bringing my class down to the buses, and he was upset tonight over an episode of Grizzy and the Lemmings. A new season of the show came out on Netflix and in one of the episodes, Grizzy and the Lemmings get to go back home to Canada. I think Lucas struggles with differentiating crying because something is happy and crying because something is sad. Technically, the episode is happy because they’re back home, but since it made him cry he just keeps saying it’s sad.

Two years ago today we went on the tunnel hike, where you got mad at me because you wanted to go through all the tunnels. To go through all the tunnels, I think the trail was six miles long. I tried to explain to you that nobody would make it that far, but you didn’t care and were upset that I made us turn around after four or five caves. I’m pretty positive that all four of you were complaining at the end of that hike, so nobody ever would have made it through all the tunnels.

I read my letter to you from last year and it upset me. I said something along the lines of how different my life was coming to Hawaii than leaving Hawaii. It’s kind of just wanting to go back to that version of me and tell myself to cherish everything I have. I wish I could have warned myself that there were going to be tough times ahead for me, but to keep it together the best I could for the four of you.

We are almost coming up on a year in Pennsylvania and I don’t know if I’m much different of a person now. I knew I would be able to handle things on my own and I have. I did have this grandiose idea that bedtime would go a lot smoother once we got here and would be more consistent, but that’s a joke. It’s kind of like the things you say you’ll do or never do before kids and then you have kids and reality sets in. I somehow thought daddy, his work schedule, and my depression in Hawaii was the reason bedtime was always chaos. Nope, it turns out that I’m just horrible at implementing it.

I wish life turned out differently. I love you so much, baby boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams.