Hi my baby,

Hi my baby,

It’s only 9:49am right now, but I needed to start this one a little earlier because of what’s going on. We are going to the zoo today with Miss Brenda and her girls. I know this sounds crazy, but it is our first official outing with someone else since the day you passed away. I’ve already warned Miss Brenda since I’ve been at home crying. However, I know we need to do this. I talked about it at Kids Hurt Too last week. I don’t want to do things that remind me of you, I don’t want to make new memories that don’t have you in them. I feel so guilty though because I still have your three siblings here with me and they deserve to keep having experiences. I can’t bring you back. I can’t change our current situation, but I can work towards improving our days. After the boys found out we were going to the zoo today and the pool tomorrow, Elijah got so excited and said these were going to be the best two days. It’s hard to move on without you here. It’s not even “moving on”, it’s adjusting to my new normal. Lucas and I both have our necklaces on with your ashes in them, so you’ll still be coming with us. I also have on your bracelet you got from Mrs. Holmes. I’m not going to be able to watch your siblings play at the park without picturing you scaling the giant rope course.

I’m sorry we have to do this without you, but I know this is how you’d want it. You always thought about everyone else and wanted to make sure they were “okay”.

It’s now 8:04pm and I just got back from my run. I survived the first planned outing with other people, without you. I bawled my eyes out before we left, randomly teared up a few times at the zoo, and cried walking back to the car. I saw you everywhere. I saw you getting so excited at seeing all the different animals because you always were genuinely excited. We even saw an axolotl! That would have probably been your favorite of the day. To be honest, I didn’t know those things actually existed. The only time I ever saw or heard of them was when you guys would talk about certain video games. To my surprise, they are real and they look exactly how they’re portrayed in video games. You’re probably like, “duh, mom. You didn’t know they existed?!”.

On the way back to the car, Ellie saw me crying. The boys saw me this morning, but kind of just gave me weird looks. I told Ellie I just missed you and about how we haven’t gone out with other people since the day you went down at the beach. Ellie hugged me and told me that you wouldn’t want us to not have fun. I agreed with her. I took a few pictures at the beginning. Thankfully, Miss Brenda took pictures. I don’t think I’m ready to happily “capture the moment” without you in it.

I feel like I’m no longer moving ahead in life, it’s like I’m at a standstill. I’m not exactly sure why I feel that way, but I do. I’m working on self-improvement, I’m working with your siblings to help them through your loss, and I’m still a mom to three living children. I feel like maybe I’m at this standstill because I can’t “move on” without you. I don’t even like that wording. I still don’t understand how life just continues.

You were in my dream last night, but I can’t remember most of it. I do know that in my dream I knew you had passed away, which is why I spent the entire dream crying. However, I know at one point you really wanted me to know that you took a bath. Maybe that’s your way of trying to tell me you’re okay. Sorry I’m stubborn, even in my dreams. I’m working on it, but I have no control over what happens while I sleep. You’re probably annoyed that you keep sending signs and I’m too busy crying in my dreams or analyzing every little thing in life and miss it.

With all the Halloween events coming up, I’m not looking forward to my favorite holiday. You know the people that always put the Disney cutouts up for Halloween and Christmas? I think they moved. There are decorations up at that house now, but no wooden Disney things. I’m sad that they moved because something else I did with you is gone, but if they were still living here and put the decorations up I would get upset looking at them. There is no winning currently and I know that.

I love you my sweet boy. Goodnight and sweet dreams baby.