Hi my baby,

Hi my baby,

We did another thing tonight. We went to the Wheeler Community Center where they showed the Nightmare Before Christmas outside. We brought our blankets, Ellie and Lucas wore their costumes, and they even got little treat bags. They announced the two winners of the costume contest and surprisingly one of them was Lucas. He found a taco costume at the thrift store and just wears it around. I know you would have been so excited for him and also loved his prize of extra snacks. I’m glad we went. It was actually my first time watching the movie, I know you liked it. Eh, it wasn’t really my cup of tea, but it wasn’t horrible.

I was okay while we were there. I did make note that you would have been one of the kids running around the park and playing tag instead of watching the movie. It seems that the wave of sadness comes as we are leaving. I feel like during the event I’m thinking of you, but also taking everything in. Once it’s over though, it’s just another thing that has come and gone that you missed out on. On the way to the car I told Lucas you would have been proud of him for winning. The next ten minutes of our ride home was talking about the day we lost you. Since your siblings were there and witnessed everything, I feel like I have to relive that day more than I would if they weren’t there. It’s so casually talked about and it bothers me. It doesn’t bother me that your siblings talk about it, they’re processing it too, but it bothers me that this is a conversation that is even happening. They asked me again if that was the worst day of my life and I can still confidently say it was the worst day and this has been the worst time of my life.

We went to the commissary today to get the rest of the snacks and stuff that we need for the retreat this weekend. Your siblings are so excited. Apparently I will sleep in the cabin room with Lucas because Ellie already told me her and Elijah will sleep in the other room. There’s going to be a bonfire and dance party the one night and I’m going to make sure that we have flashlights to look for crabs at night. I loved doing that every time we went to the Outer Banks. Even though we’ve lived here over two years, I still get overly excited about seeing crabs on the beach.

I’ve been having a hard time at night and can’t exactly put my finger on what it is. It’s the finality of everything mixed with more anger of why the heck this had to happen to you. It’s depressing though. I want to just go to bed right away and shut my brain up.

I miss you baby boy. I love you more than anything in the world. Please watch over us. Goodnight and sweet dreams.